You know when professional shrew Ann Coulter is saying something vile? Her lips are moving. But when she’s saying something extra vile, it means she has a product to promote.

Coulter has been making the TV rounds this week to promote her new book, saying obnoxious and controversial things to stir up attention. Specifically, she can’t stop talking about how Democrats are obsessed with race. She talks about it a lot. Like the way an obsessed person talks about something. I’m sure she’s bright enough to understand irony, but her minions are not, so she continues to shrewdly market herself in this way (there’s that word ‘shrew’ again). Who cares if 298 million Americans think she’s a repulsive monster? The other 2 million are making her rich.

Ann Coulter Racist

No one understands the black experience better than Ann Coulter.

On her Fox and Friends appearance a couple of days ago, for example, she rambled through a series of comments about race and politics, citing the lack of black people at Chris Matthews’ son’s wedding as proof of… something. She capped her monologue by claiming that Bill Mahar and MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell date black women so they can be “freedom riders,” whatever that means. Really, what does any of that mean? That white people don’t believe in racial equality unless they have black people at their weddings… but wouldn’t consider dating one of them?

Oh, Ann. You wonder why you hardcore right-wingers get labeled as racist.

In my PFC articles, I have a personal policy of not mocking people’s looks, except on those rare occasions when it’s done in good humor (like when a goofy male comedian dates a Victoria’s Secret model or something). I think it’s cheap and diversionary to go after a person’s appearance instead of their words or actions. When those on the left who claim to support equality and women’s rights say Ann Coulter is manly or unattractive, people on the right are justified in calling them out as hypocrites. If Ann Coulter were a compassionate humanitarian instead of a modern-day Cruella de Vil, lefties wouldn’t take shots at her looks. However, I think I can explain to her why Bill Mahar and Lawrence O’Donnell date black women.

Ann, it’s because they want to get as far away from your boney, white-bitch ass as they can. It’s because, when they kiss a woman, they want to get some soul, not a fucking paper cut.

TERRY O'QUINN, VANESSA WILLIAMS 666 Park Avenue

Back on The Island… of Manhattan

Say, you know who married a black girl? Terry O’Quinn’s character on the new horror series, 666 Park Avenue, premiering tonight at 10 pm on ABC. O’Quinn plays Gavin Doran, sinister owner of The Drake, a luxury apartment building in Manhattan. His aforementioned wife, Olivia, is played by Vanessa Williams (which tempts me to make one of those physical attractiveness-mismatch jokes I was talking about a few paragraphs ago). I’d use a cliché like “the Dorans are more than meets the eye” or that they are “hiding a dark secret,” but these two characters are evil from the get go. The show’s element of surprise, if there is to be any, will have to come from somewhere else.

In the pilot episode, a young couple (played by Rachael Taylor and Dave Annable) are hired as live-in building managers at The Drake, and it quickly becomes apparent that these kids have not seen The Shining or Rosemary’s Baby. Our heroes will surely be introduced to plenty of weird neighbors and strange occurrences in the weeks ahead, and they will undoubtedly not leave when they should. I just hope they become less bland as it happens.

Is it a recent trend with TV dramas that over-40 actors are so much more interesting than their younger counterparts, or am I just biased now because I’m over 40? From what I saw of the 666 Park Avenue pilot, audiences are going to be counting the seconds until the next Terry O’Quinn scene whenever Taylor and Annable are on screen. In other words, if you’re going to cast one of the most charismatic performers on TV to play your villain, your good guys had better connect with audiences, and I’m not sure these two do. Though such casting would invite plenty of Lost sarcasm, I’d like to see somebody like Evangeline Lilly, with her earthy, everywoman appeal, as the heroine. But I think she’s off getting dwarfed in the Hobbit films right now. Down with Orcs!

Early reviews for 666 Park Avenue are mixed, with the favorable ones calling it fun (but not particularly scary) and more critical ones saying it’s slow moving and risks turning into a horror version of The Love Boat. In the era of American Horror Story, a show that is characterized by rapid pacing, jumpy editing, and jarring shot transitions, it may be tricky to go for a slow burn. You could end up with a series that’s just plain dull.

Evangeline-Lily-Rachel-Taylor-Naked

Lilly is more interesting than Taylor. Or am I just pervy for Brunettes?

In horror shows, where the stakes are life and death, you also risk frustrating your audience, since the bad guys can’t kill the heroes and the heroes can’t defeat the bad guys without resolving the story. So, if ABC does indeed go the “horror boat” route and bring in guest stars to terrorize every week, they’ll need to get creative with casting if they want to make it scary.

That’s why I think Ann Coulter is the perfect choice. She’s got the money for a posh flat on Park Avenue, and she brings her own personal horror show with her everywhere she goes. I can already imagine the scene in which she calls Terry O’Quinn a “freedom rider” for marrying Vanessa Williams. That’ll afford his character a nice “What on the friggin’ Earth does that mean?” close-up, which villains seldom get. Later, the climactic twist will come when they try to cut out Coulter’s heart during a sacrifice and discover she doesn’t have one.