Have you heard? Starting next season, American Idol will go by the name of Celebrity Judge, since that is apparently the only thing people give a shit about anymore on that show.

Perhaps I made that up, but when was the last time anyone discussed the actual contestants around the water cooler or in the gossip rags? The last bunch of seasons has been about “Ooh look. Steven Tyler has degenerated into a drag queen and a whack job,” and “Check it out; Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are about to get in a fist fight.” As much as some of us hoped the latter event would go down, along with the resultant wardrobe malfunction (Mariah’s dresses aren’t built to stand up to the pressure of her budging breasts, much less a wrestling match), it kinda matters than no one can remember who has won this damn thing since Carrie Underwood claimed the prize in 2005.

Mariah Carey Naked

Mariah can barely contain herself.

In case you’ve forgotten, amateur singers compete on the show for a recording contract. That is, when the celebrity hosts aren’t having meltdowns and proving themselves to be the sociopaths and narcissists we all assume them to be.

Last season’s entire panel of judges is said to be hitting the bricks, which is good news for Randy Jackson, who can now resume his career as a. According to media reports, Jennifer Hudson is in talks to take a seat on the panel, which is an odd choice, given her uncontroversial nature and the fact that, unlike recent judges Jennifer Lopez and Minaj, she can actually sing. Really well I might add. That’s a shame, because it means she can make more money talking than singing.

Seriously, isn’t it stupid that talented singers like Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Hudson can’t sell records anymore, but they can get rich sitting in a chair and making snide remarks about other humans who are pouring their hearts and souls out on stage in front of them? I’d blame illegal downloading, but that doesn’t explain the lack of mental investment Americans are willing to put into their TV viewing, an activity that was already considered mindless before the advent of reality shows.

If she’s not going to sing, I think Hudson would be better off with a daytime talk show than with a stint on Idol. She’s got that Ellen/Oprah accessibility and likability, and she lost all that weight, girlfriend, so who doesn’t love her? But then she might miss a chance to judge wannabe pop stars alongside previous Idol contestants Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, and Adam Lambert, who, as reported in various forms by Hollywood Reporter and other celebrity-dish rags, are also in talks to sit at the judge’s table.

That’s right, your prize for appearing on American Idol is no longer a recording contract but a chance to panel the show you just performed on. That sounds like a rare form of entropy. Or cannibalism. Or something else generally considered bad, like getting a Ph.D. in Philosophy. I wonder if there’s any chance of Aiken and Lambert getting into a catfight and one of them ripping the other’s top off?

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer Hudson

A far more controversial (?) wardrobe malfunction this week was the one that occurred in Star Trek: Into Darkness when the rebooted character of Carol Marcus (Alice Eve) stripped down to her bra and panties. The scene involves an exchange between Carol and Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) in which she tells him to turn around as she changes clothes. He sneaks a peek anyway, like any reasonable heterosexual male would. Apparently, many people were upset by this gratuitous display, to the point that the film’s producer and co-writer Damon Lindelof felt compelled to apologized via Twitter for putting it in the film.

Jesus H. Christ! An adult woman appeared in her underwear in a movie? That’s totally fucking insane! It’s one step removed from snuff porn! Never mind that Zoë Saldana did the same thing in the previous Trek film and no one complained (I certainly didn’t). Let’s also overlook that this is 2013, and that the sci-fi genre hasn’t exactly been bereft of hot chicks in skimpy clothes over the years. Gratuitous would have been Alice Eve and Zoe Saldana both having to strip to their undies in the same scene and then peeking at each other. Though I’m sure the fan-fiction crowd is already hard at work on that exact scenario.

Naturally, no one bitches about the non-stop violence in these films, but Americans are pretty bloodthirsty for the stuff, as gore and destruction does not seem to be frowned upon in any of their holy books. As opposed to women’s bodies, of course, which are the devil’s handiwork itself. Just ask Pat Robertson.  Star Trek: Into Darkness was pretty good, by the way, and easily the best of this year’s blockbusters so far. I yearn for such a future as depicted in the film, where people are not ruled by superstition, no one is freaked out by women’s breasts, and interspecies sex is tolerated, provided all parties involved are way above average in the looks department.

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A bonus pic of Alice Eve, just because it’s Memorial Day:

Alice Eve