It’s Oscar night. That means you have three entertainment choices: Watch the Oscars, tune in to AMC’s basic-cable juggernaut The Walking Dead, or, in a fit of damn-it-all-to-Hell whimsy, read this bit of counterprogramming from PFC that tells you what’s really happening in the entertainment world right now.
Normally, I’d just prattle on about The Walking Dead and call that counterprogramming, but the editors around here limit me to one zombie-themed story per month, and I already hit my quota. Besides, an event has just taken place that promises to shake the entertainment industry to its core, the ripple effects of which won’t be fully understood for months or even years.
That’s right. Pop singer and famous brother Jermaine Jackson has legally changed his name to Jermaine Jacksun. If you ask me, the snazzy new vowel is sure to finally get the 58 year old out from the shadow of his late brother Michael. Never mind his name is still pronounced the same way and no one has anything to say about him anyway.
Jermaine, the second-most famous member of the Jackson 5, the fourth most famous member of the Jackson family (after sisters Janet and La Toya), and the seventh most famous Jackson overall (after President Andrew Jackson, actor Samuel L. Jackson, and painter Jackson Pollack), must have finally learned from his siblings there is no such thing as bad publicity. Even if ordinary folks like you and me think it’s sad when a 58-year-old man legally changes his name to be cuter, at least he got a headline on IMDb and Yahoo!.
If you’re wanting for idiotic headlines, head on over to Huffington Post to read “Ron Jeremy Cleared for Sex,” which went up yesterday. Huffington Post is one of my favorite websites, mostly because I like freak shows. HuffPo wants to be Newsweek, the Village Voice, O magazine, and Perez Hilton at the same time. I don’t know where a headline about Ron Jeremy being cleared for sex fits into that scheme, but it has to be the stupidest non-story to ever appear on the front page of an alleged news site. Are people lining up to have sex with Ron Jeremy? Is he the only person who knows how to have sex and, without him doing so, is a giant asteroid going to destroy the Earth? If this is what qualifies for a headline nowadays, we deserve to be killed by an asteroid.
But, please, not before Michael Bay makes his latest project, which was announced this weekend.
He picked an interesting time to tell us. If I said to you, “It’s Oscar weekend. Please name three things connected to the movie industry that will never, in a million years, have anything to do with the Academy Awards,” you would probably say Michael Bay, Megan Fox, and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now we are truly onto the subject of counterprogramming.
Two people – an arrogant, control-freak filmmaker who puts characters and storytelling about 10 spots below “Explosions” on the list of important movie elements, and a sexpot actress who tries to ruin her career every time she opens her mouth – are teaming up once again. This after the pair had a well-documented public feud in which Fox compared Bay to Adolph Hitler. The vehicle bringing them together is a live-action, big-budget movie about superhero Turtles in ninja costumes who hang out with a giant rat. Luckily, they’re bringing in Wrath of the Titans director Jonathan Liebesman to lend credibility.
With apologies to Ninja Turtle fans (I am personally aware of a guy who named his kids after the turtles), there’s no way this film won’t be horrible. You have (sorry again) a silly concept being produced and directed by guys who take giant robots and Greek monsters very seriously and starring an actress who pretty much does the same part in every film, heroine or villain: The bitchy hot girl. Why she hasn’t played Alexandra from Josie and the Pussycats yet is beyond me.
I’ve defended Fox in the past, partly because it bugs me the way people have such animosity toward attractive women who also have strong opinions. And partly because I have a brunette fetish. But I think the fanboy crowd interested in a Ninja Turtle movie has moved on from Megan.
It’s not easy being the It Girl. The entertainment media did their best to destroy Megan Fox, and they’ve done a pretty good job of trashing Kristen Stewart in the past year. Nothing brings out the misogynists like a successful woman.
That’s why Scandal and Django Unchained star Kerry Washington needs to watch out. First, let’s congratulate her for being the first black It Girl. Second of all, let’s congratulate her for being the oldest at 36. I know she’s the new It Girl because every entertainment website in the world is talking about her. They’ve begun to write articles about her with nothing to say (Has she been cleared for sex?), just to keep that stream of Kerry content flowing. She’s also been the lead image for every red carpet story of the awards season so far. In the upcoming comedy Peeples, co-starring Craig Robinson and David Alan Grier (BAM!), Kerry’s face is the poster.
Washington, along with recent It Girl Kristen Stewart, will be presenting at the Oscars tonight as well. The same cannot be said of Fox. I predict that, in a fit of resentment, Megan will crash the show, pull a Kanye and jump on stage, and grab the Oscar out of Washington’s hands before she can present it. A brawl ensues.
You don’t want to miss that, just like you don’t want to miss The Walking Dead. Conundrum? No! I’ve got your evening all planned out for you: First, tune in to watch the red carpet and to see if Seth McFarlane is funny (you will need to discuss these things at work the next day), watch them give out the one good award early just to trick you into thinking the next two hours won’t be boring, flip over to The Walking Dead (you will need to discuss this at work the next day as well), read this story, and then tune back into the Oscars to watch Ben Affleck not be eligible for Best Director, which he would have won.