Remember the ancient times, before Twitter, when celebrities needed reporters and unintentional open mics as vessels for saying stupid shit in public?

Props to R&B legend Stevie Wonder for keeping it real, then. This week, Wonder chose the classic route to go public with stupid shit, telling The Guardian’s Paul Lester that some gay people only think they’re gay. When discussing recently out-of-the-closet musician Frank Ocean, Wonder implied that Ocean was not necessarily homosexual, but simply “confused.”

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder sings his latest hit, “What the Eff Was I Thinking?”

No wonder (pun intended) Stevie is such an insightful songwriter! He lives inside other people’s heads and knows what they are thinking better than they do. If somebody else claimed to know Frank Ocean’s motivations that well, I’d say the person is arrogant and presumptuous. But not Stevie Wonder. No, the person to blame here is Ocean himself, for being so out of touch with his own feelings. I’d say we burn his records, except they don’t make records anymore, and iTunes are remarkably flame retardant.

Now I’m going to be arrogant and presumptuous myself by pretending I, too, know Frank Ocean’s thought history. I’ll bet that if Ocean has ever been confused, it was before he came to terms with his sexuality. Like when he was younger and society told him that men are only supposed to be attracted to women – and that there is something wrong with people who feel differently – he might have been very confused and, perhaps, scared. The confusion probably ended when he decided to just be himself.

I’m sure Stevie didn’t mean to be hurtful, and, to his credit, he has since apologized for his comments. But as an entertainment industry veteran, he has to have known, worked with, and befriended countless gheys. Not to mention his millions of fans must include the odd LGBT or two. Cripes, this is a Motown artist we’re talking about. It’s not exactly a secret that a sizable contingent of pop/soul label’s aficionados are… Ah, never mind. I don’t want to say something stupid in public.

Kim Kardashian Naked

Kimmie was smarter than Stevie this week. No shit.

The moral of this story is to be more like Kim Kardashian. Whether you’re tweeting or talking to a reporter, just keep your mouth shut and show us your knockers. Or, you know, play some piano or something.

Stevie Wonder isn’t the only non-politician to say something dumb to a reporter this week. Somewhere down the talent ladder from Stevie is former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson, a one-time actress and comedienne who has recently reinvented herself as an irritating cunt.

In an interview with Sirius satellite radio at the Republican National Convention, Jackson said so much stupid shit that my knuckles will get swollen if I try to type it all out. Highlights include her claim that babies do not get DNA from their parents. They have their own. She also doesn’t get why her gay friends have to identify themselves by their sexuality. She identifies herself “in Christ,” because THAT IS SO MUCH LESS FUCKING ANNOYING than saying you’re gay. Oh, she also said that only .001 percent of women who are raped become pregnant.

Studies (ones done by educated people who understand Satan the scientific method) show that 32,000 pregnancies in the United States each year are the result of rape. I’m no math whiz, but doesn’t that mean, like, over 3 billion women get raped every year?

Imma give you some advice, Tea Party: Please, please, please hire a PR firm. ‘Cause the people you’ve got representing you out there right now are not convincing the rest of us that you have even a rudimentary understanding of reality or history. Or self-awareness.

For example: How about that bizarre, rambling speech delivered by actor Clint Eastwood (Tarantula) at the RNC? While the rest of the world was cringing with embarrassment, the Tea Party gang was taking to cyberspace to declare that anyone who didn’t “get” it was stoopid libtard or a brianless idoit. But it’s not that we didn’t understand what he was trying to do. It’s that he did it so poorly. In fact, it was such a train wreck that other train wrecks were watching and taking notes.

Clint Eastwood Grand Torino

You know, he seemed a lot happier in the Clyde days.

It’s like audience members cheering drunk Elvis when he botched the words to Are You Lonesome Tonight because they couldn’t bear to accept that their hero had become a humiliating caricature of himself. Or Star Wars fans walking out of The Phantom Menace and telling reporters it was awesome because they did not want to believe they’d waited 15 years to see a documentary about spaceships landing that starred characters not cool enough for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Where was I? Oh yeah, a bunch of anti-choice, anti-gay marriage bible thumpers are telling everyone that a nonsensical speech by a pro-choice, pro-gay marriage movie star was too brilliant for most of us to understand.

Desperate times call for stupid comments indeed.

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