Amidst all the buzz over who was nominated for an Academy Award and who wasn’t, and some upsets at the Golden Globes last night, we at PFC decided it was time to dish out our own movie awards. In all humbleness, we are about to render the whole Oscar shebang kinda pointless. Consider your evening of February 24 free once again. You’re welcome.
If internet comments can be used as a leading indicator of the national mood, it seems like a lot of people are mad that Batman and James Bond aren’t up for any of the good awards. The average Joe has a point: If these are the movies people want to see, why do the Oscar people ignore them? Well, we aim to rectify that disparity today. And speaking of Bond… Let it be recorded that on this very website not two months ago, I predicted Javier Bardem would not receive a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his turn as the villain in Skyfall, contrary to Bond fans’ claims. And he didn’t, which makes me 100% accurate at Oscar predicting. By the way, I am currently available for booking on entertainment talk shows.
Speaking of such shows, I offer my apologies to the Access Hollywood viewers who may be reading this article: PFC’s 2013 Movie Awards do not involve a red carpet, so you won’t be getting a best-dressed/worst-dressed recap. I can promise, though, that I am the worst dressed amongst us at this particular moment, given the 10-year-old sweatshirt and sweatpants combo sagging from my body. Boxers by Hanes, if you’re impressed by designer labels.
Right. We don’t do opening songs either, so let’s get to the awards:
Those Batman fans are always on about the awesomeness of darkness.
“Remind me why the new Batman movie was the greatest film of all time?” I say.
“Dude,” they say, “because it’s so dark.”
I say, “But I mean, like, how does that make it the best film of all time? Besides everybody being depressed and all the lights set on dimmer switches, what’s the big deal? Where’s the commentary on culture and society? The substance? Symbolism? Artfulness?”
“Dude,” they say, “You just don’t get it. It’s dark.”
Like Luke Skywalker, who had to choose between darkness and light, audiences had to choose between a gloomy superhero movie, The Dark Knight Rises, and a cheery one, The Avengers. Luke threw down his light saber to redeem his father, and movie goers threw down $623,000,000 for The Avengers.
And the award goes to… The Avengers (duh)
No matter how miserable the reviews, no matter how universal the agreement that something is terrible, someone out there is willing watch it. In fact, they will pay money to watch it. Even a movie that is based on a board game, which, statistically speaking, can’t be anything other than awful. Especially when it’s based on the absolute lamest board game ever conceived.
And the award goes to… Battleship
By Hollywood standards, this movie tanked (no military-hardware pun intended), because it was expensive to make and only earned back 65 million dollars.
Jesus, did I just say 65 million dollars? That’s like the entire population of Chicago opening their wallets and handing over 10 bucks for something that everybody said was unwatchable garbage! That’s also nearly six times what Best Picture nominee Beasts of the Southern Wild earned. Yikes.
You know, men have had to take a lot of shit for objectifying women in entertainment. Never mind that science says we are visually oriented (did you hear that, feminists? Science said so); we offend women by finding them physically attractive instead of valuing them as complete beings with feelings and stuff. We are guilty of possessing The Male Gaze. We should take the example from women, and learn to see past the physical, into the true spiritual qualities of a – Holy shit, Channing Tatum is stripping!!!!! Is it in 3D? God, I hope so!
Isn’t objectification great, ladies? It’s a lot less work.
And the award goes to… Magic Mike
Have you ever been looking over the year’s box-office data to get ideas for a dopey article about fake awards when you see a 2012 release listed that you could have sworn came out a couple of years ago, at least? Perhaps something is wrong with your brain, because you distinctly remember talking about this movie in 2010. Though you can’t imagine why you talked about it.
And the award goes to… The Three Stooges
As demonstrated time and again, people will pay money to see almost anything. That said, you need more than a jokey title.
And the award goes to… Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Note: Next year’s statue, the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Award, is preemptively being handed to Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, for any number of reasons.
This prize goes to the film that made the most money at the box office without anyone actually seeing it. $179 mil is a lot of revenue to justify when none of us can find a single person who claims to have been in a theater when the film was being projected. And we know a lot of people.
The award goes to… Men in Black 3
I like a hero-on-a narrow-ledge sequence as much as the next movie goer, but it is possible to numb the suspense by overdoing it. Especially if your movie is almost three hours long and, when reflected upon, seems to be little more than one damned narrow-ledge scene after another. Even more so when your movie is a prequel to a trilogy that had about a thousand narrow-ledge scenes already. Without hinting at what film is about to win this award… What the hell is wrong with Middle Earth? Is the whole damn place one giant cliff? Nobody builds roads? No, because it’s much easier to walk along a crumbling precipice for 300 twisting miles while evil wizards send all kinds of trouble your way than it is to walk down a road. Then, when you and your dwarf friends find themselves inside a giant goblin cave at the end, what’s there but more goddamned cliffs? How many cliffs can you fall from before you end up on the other side of the planet? I’d hate to make a topographical map of Middle Earth. It’s like the Himalayas were parked next to the Marianas Trench, and the only way to get to the supermarket from Hobbitville is to cross it. I don’t even know what that means.
And the award goes to, um… The Hobbit
Javier Bardem. You happy now, you freaking crybabies?