Frank Ocean

People Saying Dumbass Things

Remember the ancient times, before Twitter, when celebrities needed reporters and unintentional open mics as vessels for saying stupid shit in public?

Props to R&B legend Stevie Wonder for keeping it real, then. This week, Wonder chose the classic route to go public with stupid shit, telling The Guardian’s Paul Lester that some gay people only think they’re gay. When discussing recently out-of-the-closet musician Frank Ocean, Wonder implied that Ocean was not necessarily homosexual, but simply “confused.”

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder sings his latest hit, “What the Eff Was I Thinking?”

Jessica Gomes Breasts

International Go‑Topless Day: 7 Celebrity Endorsements We’d Like to See

Today is International Go-Topless Day, where women around the world are expected to protest in favor of equality for all by removing their tops in public. As a supporter of women’s rights as well as a fan of boobies, who am I to criticize?

The event is being sponsored by the Raëlians, those kooky kids who believe the human race was created by super-advanced space aliens and who are trying to restore the swastika to its pre-Nazi association as a symbol of peace and harmony. Good luck with the second thing, Raëlians. You have a better shot at convincing people that women and men deserve the same rights. Even that will take another century, at least.

In a society dominated by the Abrahamic religions, where the second-class status of women is institutionalized, Raëlism is typically described as a cult. Although what Raëlists believe isn’t any less plausible than what your typical monotheist religion professes to be the truth, frankly, and it seems a lot less harmful to progress and modernity. Plus, they obviously aren’t hung up about the human body, so more power to them, as long as everyone is over 18 and signs a consent form.

Raelian Women Dancing Topless

Raëlian chicks demonstrate the benefits of a good diet and regular ab workout.

Dave Mustaine Crazy

Headbangers for Jesus

The entire planet officially jumped the shark in February of this year, and hardly anyone noticed! It happened when Megadeth guitarist and singer Dave Mustaine endorsed Rick Santorum for president. Tell me, in what kind of world-gone-mad does the famously debauched frontman for a thrash metal band tell us to vote for the stick-up-the-ass, hardcore conservative evangelist?

Since the script for our lives is now being written by monkeys stomping on typewriters, nothing should surprise us anymore, including the lunatic rants of a neocon headbanger. To demonstrate my point: Apparently Mustaine has gotten tired of Donald Trump and Ted Nugent hogging the demented right-wing paranoid schizophrenic spotlight, so he decided to do them one better by claiming, during a concert in Singapore last week, that the mass shootings at the theater in Colorado and the Sikh temple in Wisconsin were staged by President Obama in an effort to build support for a gun ban.


Allyson Felix American Flag

You Go Girl: U.S. Women Clean the Table

The medal table, that is.

Once again, in the post-Cold War era, the United States has rocked the summer Olympics, winning the most medals and doing so in the premiere events. Only this time, Team USA had to get there without much help from the boys. The American girls left burn marks on the track, defied gravity on the mats, stroked breasts, and slapped balls (hey, I’m talking about sports here, ya perv!) en route to a hefty hardware haul.

Meanwhile, almost every U.S. male Olympian not named Michael Phelps came up short… Men’s volleyball bombed. Their track dominance ended in a streak of Jamaican green and yellow. They left their best gymnastics moves in a vault somewhere (wait for it). What happened?

No doubt they trained as hard and with as much determination as ever. But is the rest of the world catching up? Are other nations spending more money/developing better performance-enhancing drugs to support their athletes? Are Wheaties box appearances not as lucrative as they used to be?

No, I don’t think those are the reasons. I blame the rampant overuse of penis-enlargement pills.

Destinee Hooker Naked

Jurassic Jersey

Let’s go ahead and admit that we’re both sick to death of this stupid Chick-Fil-A story that won’t go away and then talk about something else. Do you know what that something is? Animatronic dinosaurs!

Other states’ hokey roadside attractions include such thrilling sights as giant balls of twine and museums dedicated to barbed wire. Not here in Jersey. When you pull off the highway in Jersey, we give you 31 actual-size animatronic dinosaurs that blink, roar, claw, look around, breathe, and wag their tails!

You gotta problem widdat?

Brooklyn Decker Breasts Naked

HUMOR: Is the NYPD Fucking with Me?

You got to where you are now largely because of decisions, large and small, that you’ve made. Sometimes it’s obvious. Like, when you stabbed that guy in the neck because he made fun of The Carpenters, your all-time favorite brother-sister musical act, you probably should have guessed that you’d spend the next 12 years in prison.

Or, when you walked into Barnes and Noble on October 5, 2005 and arbitrarily peeked at the first page of some random new book called Twilight, you should have known that, almost seven years later, you’d be acting like a deranged mental patient on YouTube because your BFF Kristen Stewart kissed the wrong boy.

Naked Girl With Guns

Dear NRA: Shut Up.

Two events that occurred in movie theaters made the news this week, and I’m not sure the details surrounding them say good things about our so-called “American Values.”

In the first event, a likable, elderly character actor/comedian allegedly pulled his pecker out while viewing a porn film in LA. Thankfully for those of us who know peckers are the devil’s work, the LAPD was on the case. They swooped in, armed with good, old-fashioned righteousness, and busted the vile perp. Word has it that this police force regularly spends taxpayer money and devotes people and departmental resources to stamping out semi-public masturbation in adult theaters.

I feel safer just thinking about it.

Daniel Tosh Crying

The Tosh Pit

Warning: I’m about to be condescending to the simple-minded. Unfortunately, they do not read PFC, so please forward this article if you know any of them.

I’ve tried to settle controversies “once and for all” in the past, but until we hit 300 million clicks per day here, I’m going to keep falling short of enlightening everyone. Well, let’s say 220 million clicks per day. All those horrid old people out there refuse to budge an inch no matter how much wisdom I share, and they probably don’t know what the internets are anyway.

So, to all under-sixty-five North Americans who can read and have access to a computer (with apologies to those of you who can’t and don’t… you know who you are, because this looks like gibberish and you can’t see it anyway): The Daniel Tosh Rape-Joke Scandal is not a free-speech issue, for fuck’s sake.

Evan Seidlitz and Elena Vladi LA Weekly

Power Chord of the Living Dead

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If you are a non-smoker who misses the smell of cigarette smoke in a club, you are a rock and roller. If you think Chuck Berry is classical music, you are a rock and roller. If you believe it’s a badge of honor not to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you are a rock and roller.

You can watch Terrence Malick films in the morning, attend exhibitions featuring the works of suicidal photographers in the afternoon, and meditate to cello sonatas performed by Mstislav Rostropovich at night, but, in the end, you are still a rock and roller.

You probably like trash horror movies, too.

Pasolini Salò 120 Days of Sodom

Sadistic Cinema: Is It Fun Being Disturbed?

Like people who eat nuclear-grade hot wings or force themselves to watch entire episodes of Whitney, some moviegoers like to be permanently damaged by their entertainment choices. It’s not enough to jump at scares or be repulsed by bloodshed. They want to walk away disturbed.

Disturbing movies are those that challenge you to keep watching and sometimes make you feel grimy when you do. I’m not talking about the cartoonishly sadistic violence of Saw movies and their outlandish set pieces. I mean the ones that stay with you for a long time (kind of like your wife’s relatives from overseas).