International Go‑Topless Day: 7 Celebrity Endorsements We’d Like to See
Today is International Go-Topless Day, where women around the world are expected to protest in favor of equality for all by removing their tops in public. As a supporter of women’s rights as well as a fan of boobies, who am I to criticize?
The event is being sponsored by the Raëlians, those kooky kids who believe the human race was created by super-advanced space aliens and who are trying to restore the swastika to its pre-Nazi association as a symbol of peace and harmony. Good luck with the second thing, Raëlians. You have a better shot at convincing people that women and men deserve the same rights. Even that will take another century, at least.
In a society dominated by the Abrahamic religions, where the second-class status of women is institutionalized, Raëlism is typically described as a cult. Although what Raëlists believe isn’t any less plausible than what your typical monotheist religion professes to be the truth, frankly, and it seems a lot less harmful to progress and modernity. Plus, they obviously aren’t hung up about the human body, so more power to them, as long as everyone is over 18 and signs a consent form.
Seriously, I think it should be illegal to indoctrinate minors into a religious belief system. If your god is all that, shouldn’t people be able to discover him on their own?
Anyway, enough with the editorializing. What’s preventing International Go-Topless Day, belief in benevolent alien creators, and women’s rights from going mainstream is the lack of celebrity endorsements. So here are seven lovely ladies we believe would make superb advocates for next year’s event. We’re not sure quite what it is that compels us to choose them. It’s some intangible quality I wish I could get my hands on (nyuk nyuk nyuk)…
[heading]7. Jessica White[/heading]
Dear alien designers,
Re: Swimsuit model Jessica White.
[heading]6. Rosario Dawson[/heading]
Whether she’s pretending to be attracted to Brian O’Halloran in Clerks II (even my suspension of disbelief has limits) or pretending not to be attracted to Mary Elizabeth Winstead in Death Proof (that was the luckiest back seat in the history of cars), Rosario Dawson has shown us that she can offer restrained, nuanced performances.
Now it’s time for her to show us something else. Her support for women’s rights!
[heading]5. Katy Perry[/heading]
Word on the street is that she’s a pop singer, but Katy Perry is better known to those of us with taste as a woman who has two huge, beautiful, inviting… eyes. Imagine gazing into those things? Jesus, Russell Brand, just because you’re [adjective deleted by my lawyer], it doesn’t mean you voluntarily give up the company of such a lovely woman.
Ah well, now that she’s got more time on her hands, maybe Katy can start planning something special for next year’s International Go-Topless Day. We’ll be watching.
[heading]4. Jessica Gomes[/heading]
Honestly, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models don’t do all that much for us. Contrary to what a lot of women seem to think, men prefer women with personality, and personality has been bred out of most supermodels, which renders them little more than moving statues.
That said, Jessica Gomes is built like a brick shithouse. Also, we at PFC not only support gender equality, we stand for racial equality as well. And since the Australian/Portuguese/Singaporean/Chinese ethnic group is otherwise not present on this list, we felt it was important to include her.
[heading]3. Amanda Seyfried[/heading]
Amanda will probably be getting a head start on the whole “show your boobs” thing when the Linda Lovelace biopic comes out. That’s OK. Practice and discipline are critical to success in any endeavor, be it writing, playing tuba, or endorsing International Go-Topless Day.
Amanda also appears to be all-natural, judging from her popular Go-Topless endorsement in Chloe. Again, some ladies don’t believe it, but I’ve never heard a man say he prefers artificial boobs. Seyfried’s continuing popularity with internet searchers is testament to that.
[heading]2. Christina Hendricks[/heading]
The buxom co-star of AMC’s Mad Men is a throwback to the days of Marilyn Munroe and Jayne Mansfield, when the word “vavoom” was invented to describe female sex symbols. By the way, is this what Bryce Dallas Howard would look like after those kids from Weird Science got a hold of her?
On second thought, maybe Christina shouldn’t make an International Go-Topless Day appearance next year. I already can’t think about anything else, which has made typing this paragraph increasingly difficult.
Hold on. I’ll be right back.
[heading]1. Scarlett Johansson[/heading]
Only Scarlett Johansson could turn a blurry, grainy, can’t-really-see-anything-cause-it’s-25-feet-away cellphone image of her boob into the day’s top headline on CNN. Really people, it’s just a breast. Isn’t that the point? We shouldn’t make a big deal about a woman’s body any more than we do about a man’s? Isn’t obsessing over Scarlett Johansson’s body parts just an extension of thousands of years of treating women like objects?
Support equality and show us what you’re made of next year, Scarlett. I mean that metaphorically, of course. Do you think I’m some kind of a pervert or something?