Michele Bachmann Has A Big Dick
by Eric J Baker
Sarah Palin for President!
That’s the outlandish claim our own James Killough made on this very blog just a few days ago. As a man who is deeply concerned for America’s future and its position in the new global economy, I find his viewpoint disturbing and irresponsible at best, and I hope to restore rational thinking to these pages immediately. That’s why I’m endorsing Michele Bachmann.
My reasons are twofold. First, I want to top Killough when it comes to showing poor judgment. We’re competitive in that way. Second, my grandmother used to say, “Fortune favors the bold, Eric.” I wasn’t listening because her dentures kept falling out (which is upsetting and confusing to a four-year-old child), but I’ve since learned what she meant: People who take risks are successful. And what’s riskier than electing a raving lunatic madwoman president?
Look at Bachmann’s eyes. Aren’t they the glassy, soulless eyes often ascribed to serial killers in suspense novels? A lot of politicians are vapid, but I’m not sure if Michele Bachmann even knows she exists. She’s a human virus; a demented automaton; a smoke monster finally free of The Island and ready to wreak havoc on the world (by way of Minnesota’s 6th congressional district). We should give this woman access to nuclear bombs, no?
As with Killough and his Palin promotion, my Bachmann boost is satirical. Michele, my belle, has no chance in a national election. We joke, but maybe Palin or Bachmann wouldn’t be so bad, aside from the virtual guarantee that they’d each bring about Armageddon. At least female politicians don’t think with their dicks.
Let’s consider. What are the odds of a Senator Sarah Palin molesting a congressional page? Or Michele Bachmann sending a picture of herself in camel-toe undies to a Twitter follower?
Her fellow congressional rep, the appropriately named Anthony Weiner, most likely did not use the electronic superhighway to share an image of his erect penis earlier this week. But the fact that we think he might have says a lot about the men we elect. After all, former New Jersey governor James McGreevey used a real-life superhighway, the New Jersey Turnpike, to show his erect penis to various men in rest-stop bathrooms during his administration.
The scrappy (or obnoxious, depending on your political affiliation) Weiner says he’s sure he didn’t send the picture, but he also won’t deny it was his nether region in the photo. Really, Congressman? You might have taken a boner pic and posted it, but someone else sent it to your 21-year-old female Twitter follower? If Palin were caught in a similar scandal, even she, a halfwit, would know better than to publicly joke about it. We men have no sense when our dicks get a featured role in life’s movie, do we?
Weiner’s appendage is not the only New York dick with problems these days. Dick Wolf, the television producer behind NBC’s one-time juggernaut, Law and Order, appears to be experiencing shrinkage.
The original Law and Order, which ran for 20 years and aired 456 episodes, finally recused itself from the prime-time schedule last year (ha! top that pun, fuckers!), leaving us with ubiquitous reruns and a new game called Who was the hottest Assistant District Attorney? By the way, if you said, “Michael Moriarty,” you’re so wrong, it’s tragic. I’m partial to Elizabeth Röhm, but other answers are acceptable.
With the bland Law and Order: Los Angeles cancelled after only one season and Law and Order: Criminal Intent (with Vincent D’Onofrio as Columbo-meets-Hannibal-Lecter) relegated to basic cable, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit is the last network edition standing. Perhaps not for long, though.
Given the theme of today’s story, I’m contractually obligated to make this joke: Special Victims Unit star Christopher Meloni must have a pretty big unit himself, since he just walked away from a 300K-plus-per-episode deal for a 13th season. Apparently he hasn’t gotten the memo about what happens to actors who leave popular shows after more than a decade of playing the same character. Word on the street (the “street” being unfounded speculation on the Internet) is that co-star Mariska Hargitay’s departure isn’t far behind.
An even dumber rumor has NBC considering Jennifer Love Hewitt as a new detective on the show. Because nothing says hard-boiled New York cop like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Can’t you see her (ghost) whispering into a perp’s ear during an interrogation, “Whatsa matter, freak? Real women laugh at your tiny pecker so you have to go after little girls? Is that it? You’d better start talking or you’re going to Riker’s. You know what they do to perverts at Riker’s, don’t you?”
I say bring Michele Bachmann in to replace Meloni. One glare from those blue pools of hate, those portals onto the heart of Satan’s lair, and I’d confess to the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. If Bachmann took over SVU, America would be a safer place in two ways. One, she’d clean up our streets by shooting scumbags on sight (because everyone is guilty on Law and Order) and, two, she’d be far, far away from Washington DC and any chance of influencing policy.
Much harder to find than Law and Order reruns are theater screens showing the new Mike Mills film, Beginners, which I had hoped to watch and review this weekend, to determine if it’s the quirky, intelligent dramedy it should be or the sentimental, manipulative tear jerker it might be. And if it were called Kung Fu Panda 2, you’d have your review. Unfortunately, KFP2 is playing on more screens in my town than Beginners is in the whole world. That makes today’s score: Crass Commercialism 1, Taste 0.
The buzz for topic Beginners is the performance of Christopher Plummer as an elderly man who, following the death of his wife, decides to come out of the closet as a life-long homosexual. Critics are also praising Ewan McGregor, who plays Plummer’s son, and French actress Mélanie Laurent as the love interest.
I’ll tell you right now, I’d consider switching teams for Ewan McGregor. That’s a good-looking man right there. Plus, he’s got a sexy voice – and – he played Obi Wan Kenobi. That last attribute might not mean much to the gheys, but we straight men are super turned on by it. We’re talking about Obi Wan friggin’ Kenobi here, for God’s sake! Luckily for my sexual identity, Ms. Laurent is on hand to remind me why I like girls. She’s got feminine grace, a soulful gaze, and one the greatest, most camera-seducing profiles in cinema. Also, McGregor likes to show his junk all the time. Nothing stops my latent homosexual tendencies dead in their tracks faster than seeing a guy’s dick. **shudders**
Judging from the content here at Pure Film Creative, Killough doesn’t seem to mind such a thing, so maybe he’ll give us the scoop on Beginners sometime this week. It’s playing on two screens in Los Angeles, a city where you won’t find the cast of Law and Order: LA or Michele Bachmann, who’s probably sitting in a Minnesota multiplex somewhere, getting ideas for her foreign policy platform from watching Kung Fu Panda 2.
Eric is this article actually sarcastic and anti-Tea Party satire? Allow me to answer for you, “Yes!”
You should know that Michele Bachmann is not frightened to stand up to our Muslim Atheist President “Barack Osama,” or any additional slithering, liberal democrats in the legion of the Antichrist. This subclass of autochthonous quadrupeds can be found prowling down the shady path of iniquity. The path is called “Baker Street,” and it is a dead-end path, that ends in Hell.
America is tired of you socialists dragging Christine O’Donnell down for not masturbating. Or Sarah Palin for writing on the back of her wildly gesticulating hands. And anyone treacherously, writing these articles, in an attempt to take the Tea away from Michele Bachmann’s Party.
Choke on bile and my contempt Baker!
p.s. Is that the Harry Potter from “Lord of the Cock-Rings?” Now that’s funny!
:) I loved this article. Good work. Thanks for the laughs out loud. I like the silly twist. That is a new aspect to your writing.
Good God I hope my employer never sees this post.
Thanks for your support, as always, Mr. Anderson.
Are you worried about the Daniel Radcliff pic? It’s press art for Equus.
You did want on the homo dick wagon, so welcome. You’re gonna be read now!
I’m sure if you just say to your bosses, “But Ewan McGregor loves to show his dick,” they’ll understand.
I shall review Beginners for you if you’d like. Playing a block away.
I’d love you to review Beginners. I do find Ewan McGregor appealing, though only from the waist up. I also like Melanie Laurent. She was great in Inglorious Basterds.
My employer is not going to see this article. They don’t seem like the type to track down edgy LA entertainment blogs with a gay Chelsea Handler angle.
Seriously, why can’t we be more comfortable with the human body in the U.S.? Somehow I doubt people in the UK freak out over an artsy nude pic of Daniel Radcliff.
We will triumph in the end. Omnia vincit phallus! (et breastus, et pussyus…)
I think that the Dick Wagon gaining a new moniker for PFC
Penis Fellatio Concupiscence
Some handsome gay man grab that Eric Baker, he’s 2 drinks from taking a walk on the wild side.
I keep telling him not to drink Cosmos.
I think tap water would be strong enough to bring him over!
My gag reflex is too overactive for me to start batting lefty.
The fact you know that is suspect.
How else was I supposed to become lead altar boy?
I believe that the term “sexual harassment” is in your contract. Right above the line where you signed your signature to receive the keys to your posh corner office in the ivory tower where you place your luxurious oak writing desk now at PFC Incorporated worldwide.
Fineprint – nobody reads it anymore.
Turns out I was wrong to give Weiner the benefit of the doubt.
Ah, stupid politicians.
I let you go with it, but I was, like, hmmmm.
I e-mailed him once because he was going on all the news talk shows making a stupid analogy about car insurance relative to health insurance. After I pointed out the logic flaw, he stopped saying it. I guess I thought we were friends.
Probably too late for another e-mail.
Not that it matters. Do you think anyone is actually reading the text of this article?