Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen

Row, Row, Row Your…

Gentle reader,

As you most likely have heard, the weather in Los Angeles is usually wonderfully pleasant, which is probably why so many goddamned people want to live here. There are, however, those sporadic days during the summer when it gets a little too hot in our lovely jewel box above Hollywood and the tour buses and Hollywood Bowl traffic make me want to drop pipe bombs at regular intervals along Cahuenga Boulevard. Yesterday was one such day so, after my trainer and an abbreviated hike in the hills, I decided to have a cool shower and get the fuck out of there.  I’d been dying to see my friend Mary since we both ventured forth from the Armani fold last month and it seemed a great time to visit her new home at The Row on Melrose Place, the very first boutique for the brand in the whole entire world.  And they must have air conditioning, right?

Paul Witt Wittmore

Men’s Fashion: Modern Classics at Wittmore L.A.

Gentle reader,

While everyone else in the Western Hemisphere is obsessing over what Jay Z might have said to make Solange go all honey badger on his ass, I am pondering more important issues like what the hell and I going to wear this summer now that’s it’s already in the mid-90s in the middle of May. My friend Charles has been working with a men’s shop that he thinks is cool in L.A.’s West Third Street neighborhood for a while now and he has pretty good taste and even runs a style blog called Dapper Dan Man, although I don’t know what the fuck that’s all about since, as I said, his name is Charles.

Heaven Is in the Accessories: Valas Los Angeles

Gentle reader,

Have you heard about this Pinterest thing?  I’d thought it was quaintly used by fair young maidens planning their impending nuptials and “pinning” ideas to their “boards” of bridal gowns, flower arrangements and bridesmaids’ dresses that they’ll tell their closest friends they can wear again but know deep in their hearts that the dresses have to be ugly enough to make sure the bride stands out.  It turns out, though, that, if you follow the right boards, it’s pretty much like gay porn.  Without the sound, that is.  I politely “followed back”—a term I borrowed from Twitter, the other gay porn social media site in disguise—a board from a lovely lady named Jennifer Cox, whom I now suspect of not really being an anatomical lady due to her profile name, “wannabachick70.” Her bio also gives it away, just a bit:

Tory Burch

Tory Burch — ‘The Upper East Side Bitches’ Muse’

Gentle reader,

So, the other day I made it down the street to check out Tory Burch’s new Rodeo Drive flagship that has been under construction for about eighty years.  The scaffolding had finally come down and, as I walked to my car in the suddenly dark L.A. evening, the shop appeared a glittering little jewel amongst the luxury retail behemoths that line The Drive.  It looked a bit like Christmas came early in one teeny spot.

Before you get the idea that I’m gushing, I should probably mention that I’m not a big Tory Burch fan.  None of my clients wear it and I’m not at all familiar with the merchandise up close, though I’ve always assumed that it’s like a more expensive J. Crew. 

Project Runway

Is Fear in Fashion?

Gentle reader,

Upon returning home from a crazy ass trip to Baltimore, I thought I’d try to wind down by catching up on last week’s Project Runway.  I used to love the show back when it was on Bravo but this is the last season I’ll be watching because an hour and a half every week is way too much time to spend watching these people make stuff you’ll never encounter in real life. 

Fall 2013 Trend Alert: Grunge Rocks!

Gentle reader,

A string of rather unsettling billboards has been appearing around town that seems to be advertising a new television series or film about a family that wears hideous matching sweaters.  I can’t stand to look at them for more than a second, quite frankly, but the image that is burned into my retina places the time period firmly between the years of 1982 to 1984.  I’m not really sure why we keep trying to revive the 80s because unlike the 1920s or the 1940s, which have also been popular recent references in fashion, it was a supremely unattractive decade.  Whether the neon colors of early Madonna or Joan Collins’ lamé Dynasty gowns or the high-waisted jeans featured on that show starring Michael J. Fox,

Olsen Twins

Just One Eye

Gentle reader,

If you read this column somewhat regularly, you probably think I spend my days hiking in the Hollywood Hills or laying by the pool and my nights hopping from industry soirées to gallery openings.  Well, you’re right!  But in between all that hiking and hopping, I log many hours of hard work with clients assembling looks, diverting crises, bolstering egos and finding more and more creative ways to stay ahead in the increasingly competitive world of fashion.  Last week, for instance, I actually heard myself say,

Lanvin Resort 2014

We Had to Resort to This: Cruise 2014

Gentle reader,

I’m sitting by the pool in Palm Springs where it’s 108 degrees today and thinking about what I’m going to be wearing this summer besides these four year old swim trunks.  I finally went for the shorter-but-not-too-short khaki shorts, have my eye on a couple pair of amazing cotton Brunello Cucinelli trousers and am still wondering what happened to that white nearly sheer cotton shirt that I wanted to wear to the Pride parties on Sunday.  Of course, this being June, I’m rather far behind the rest of the fashion world if I’m only thinking of what to wear for the next few months.  

Tosh Yanez

Putting Buns on Beaches: Men’s Swimwear 2013

Gentle reader,

As distressing as it’s been to hear of the torrential downpours and devastating tornadoes that much of the country has been experiencing, I’m happy to announce that in Los Angeles, at least, summer is officially here.  I know it’s official because I went to a gloriously awesome gay pool party on Sunday and that shit only goes down in the summer.  Let me start by saying that I had a few too many mimosas at brunch