We Own You, Marcia Bachmann

It would appear that we have called it right and that there is something not quite straight about the Marcus “Marcia” Bachmann story.  The ex-gay therapist, who would appear to be ex-gay himself, is being hounded all over the media, from Jon Stewart’s Daily Show to the Daily Beast, for his—how do we put this discreetly?—underperformance of the American performance of masculinity.  To put it indiscreetly, Marcia behaves like a screaming queen.

Sign language for “I’m a raging homo”: The fabulous wrist action of Marcia Bachmann.

However much you want to scrub “barbarian” Gheys* from the face of the planet, or at least from this Godly country, and pack us back to England and France, we still own you, Marcia Bachmann; you are clearly one of us and always will be.  Your ex-gay clinics are the sort of movement that is indirectly responsible for the viral bullying gay children are suffering in school, the beatings to death of your own kind, which is the preferred way to murder us.  Never mind.  You are forgiven.  We understand how difficult and frightening it is to be a social pariah, to be cast down to the lowest rung of the playground jungle gym no matter what level of society you are born into just because you have a penis and are born to crave it as well.

So, even if your ways and words are more than just a smidge evil and offensive, we commiserate with how a girl can lose her way by overcompensating.  The cliché is to mangle the Shakespeare quotation from Hamlet, “The lady doth protest to much, methinks,” and say that the proof of your true nature is in your screeching, in the hating.  But, like most Gheys, I doth have much experience with Nelly queens such as thyself, Marcia, and I know the screeching and hating to be an old-fashioned affliction, something for which they locked women away routinely in the 19th century: Hysteria.

The PFC Pledge

Before we go any further in trying to transition Marcia into the fold and make her see the error of her ex-gay ways and discard that presidential-hopeful beard, Michele, let me state this: PFC will award $10,000.00 (ten thousand US dollars and zero cents) to any man who has solid, verifiable proof that he has had sex with Marcus Bachmann.  We’ll consider another arrangement if you were just propositioned.

Now, Marcia, for your ex-ex-gay makeover:

Bo Dixon will butch you up.

1.  There is such a thing as being too swish.  And you are too swish.  As you might know from scouring the profiles on cruising sites like Manhunt.net and Adam4Adam.com, there is a premium placed on guys who are “masc,” or masculine.  Especially as an older dude, as a daddy presumptive, you are going to need a certain swagger to get laid.  We suggest binding your wrists in splints for a couple of months to keep them from flapping.  Also lower your voice, get speech therapy for that sibilant S—you are really stereotyping us, Marcia, and that can cause resentment in the ranks—and start taking Xanax so you don’t mince about quite so excitably.  You may still drink vodka because,

A Thai ladyboy

2.  We need to talk about that waistline.  While there are a fair number of chubby chasers out there, fat is a handicap.  Why hobble yourself when you are just beginning to enjoy your ex-ex-gay freedom?  We’re not asking you to go for the six-pack abs and the shredded steroid look—PFC has already taken a stance on that by declaring the chemical muscle look démodé—but you should definitely consider lap-band surgery.  Once you’ve lost the flab, you might have excess flesh that will need to be removed. We have contacts in Thailand who can help you with that.  The best thing about recovering there is… well, let’s just say Bangkok really lives up to its name, especially if you like them Asian, smooth and called Mongkut.  Or even if you like them Asian, smooth, and formerly called Mongkut, but now known as Tiger Lily.  Conversely,

Mr. South Africa Leathermen

3.  You can tap into your inner barbarian.  Invasive surgery of any kind is painful, and might land you with a Limbaugh-esque Vicodin addiction.  The alternative is you can grow a beard and invest in a custom-made leather wardrobe.  We recommend an old stalwart bespoke tailor on Christopher Street in New York, The Leather Man, which has been outfitting the barbarous BDSM community for decades.  The best training camp for your new leather bear look has unfortunately just taken place, but luckily it’s an annual event: Bear Week Provincetown.  Depending on how well you integrate, there’s always the International Mr. Leather competition, also held annually in Chicago.

Those are the outward makeover tips we have for now, Marcia, just to get you started on the opposite of a straight-and-narrow path, the gay-and-wide super highway.   As you well known from ex-gay therapy, the inner transformation is the most painful, and can have you opening and slamming shut the closet door more frequently than a three-year-old discovering doorknobs.  While you might believe right now that God hates fags, the truth is he can’t hate us because he doesn’t exist.  But that’s such a minor detail.  There are lots of Gheys who believe in a supernatural, magical puppet master, just as they believe in the zodiac, numerology and aromatherapy.  No one is going to object if you pack your beliefs with you on the Fabulous Rainbow Journey on which you should now embark.  Just be aware that there are those of us out there who think that this image of my friend Matt at Barnes and Noble just about sums it up:

By the way, Matt is what we older Gheys call a “pup.”  You’ll find that quite a few worthy younger men are attracted to Old Dawgs like you and me, provided you can butch up, slim down and get a little more daddy with it.

You’ll learn all about pups, otters, wolves, bears, polar bears in Provincetown.  They even have a name for a bear’s fag hag, like your “wife” Michele: Goldilocks.

A big hug and lots of luck to you from all of us with your new, happier, realer life.

*For those new to the PFC blog, we use “Ghey” as the noun, “gay” as the adjective.  Example: “Marcia Bachmann knows how to sashay like a true Ghey, but she really needs to get in touch with her gay soul.”

Comments: 35

  • oldancestor July 18, 20116:52 pm

    Damn, the Bachmann kids are fun to torment, aren’t they? That pic of your friend, which I assume to be a PFC original image, is great. Priceless, as they say on the commercials for stuff.

    Hmmm. That Thai ladyboy is all right looking, but the lower neck area is the giveaway. And, probably, the penis.

  • Pure Film Creative July 18, 20117:02 pm

    It’s actually Matt’s current profile image on Realjock.com, but I told him we were posting it and sent him the link. Yeah, those Thai ladyboys are confusing. But never as confusing for me as female-to-male transgenders. That really fucks with my mind, and hormones.

  • James Tuttle July 18, 20119:40 pm

    Oh, god. Now we’re really going to get sued.
    Anyway, Mr. Bachmann might be more comfortable as the chubby, track suit and flashy diamond-wearing Palm Springs ghey. I that case, being swishy is de rigeur, I believe.

    • Pure Film Creative July 18, 20119:51 pm

      Nah. It’s all opinion. Can I borrow $10,000? Pay you back. Promise.

  • Steve Adams July 19, 20112:42 am

    One does kind of feel sorry for him.. Imagine what he must have been going through in order to conceive each of those 5 children.

    • Pure Film Creative July 19, 20118:15 am

      Conceiving children has nothing to do with being gay or not, and everything to do with Christianity, unbearable social pressures, and Minnesota, wherever that is.

      • Gerry Kelly July 26, 201112:04 pm

        Conceiving CHILDREN is not something A “GHEY, GAY, HOMOSEXUAL” can’t do, but is something, we often don’t choose to do or want to do; although many younger “GHEYS” are wanting and having children. And by they are by far good parents, who teach love, tolerance, compassion and how to live in this world and survive.

        Many of my close friends have been married and had from 1-6 children in that so-called “STRAIGHT” relationship, before finding they could no longer bear the tolerate “DOUBLE” life and the torture to the straight spouse and children.

        So Marcus or Marcia Bachmann should wake up to the fact, that it is permissible to have children and be GHEY! If Marcus or Marcia wants to continue the charade of a “SRT8 MAN.” then he needS some MASCULINITY LESSONS PRONTO!!!! Otherwise, he still looks and acts like an aging beauty QUEEN who has been “JILTED AT THE ALTER!”

        To many facial expressions, to much feminine hand movement and to much criticism of “GHEYS” is a sure sign that registers LOUD AND CLEAR IN THE RED ZONE ON MY 72 YEAR OLD GAYDAR! THE

        • Pure Film Creative July 26, 201112:16 pm

          No, having children doesn’t mean anything, especially for a Ghey from that neck of the woods. Probably the only reason the Bachmanns didn’t have six is the turkey baster broke.

          Thanks for reading and for commenting, Gerry.

          — James K.

      • epistemology July 26, 20111:58 pm

        Conceiving has nothing to do with being gay, Christian, or social pressure; it is about being a woman.

        Women conceive.
        Men beget.

  • Tom July 26, 20117:56 am

    Great post, could not have said it better!! Now if Michele would just “be gone, before someone drops a gay house on her too”…

    • Pure Film Creative July 26, 201111:03 am

      They managed to have five children together until the turkey baster broke.

      — James

  • Joe B. July 26, 20118:49 am

    Just one note here: It seems unfair that Marcus Bachmann gets to be butched up by Bo Dixon while I’ve been a dutiful ghey for years and … NOTHING.

    Bo, call me.

  • Buddha Bytes July 26, 20119:08 am

    Actually the picture of “Thai ladyboy” is actually an old friend of mine from Thailand. Her name is Sonia Cooling and she was one of the top models and TV hosts in Thailand. She is 100% female.

    • Pure Film Creative July 26, 201110:48 am

      Thanks for reading and for correcting. She was the most beautiful of the Google Images that came up for “Thai Ladyboy.” My apology to your friend.

    • Pure Film Creative July 26, 201111:34 am

      I’ve changed the image. This ladyboy is actually pretty fierce herself. I hope she’s a real fake.

  • Simon July 26, 20119:39 am

    Becoming one flesh (That was children are) cannot be done in a same sex relation. Nature discriminates against garriage because children need a mother and a father. Garriage denies that fundamental right. It is a crime against humanity. Conceiving children has to do with your own existence. You are cursing your own parents. What a shame !!1

  • peanutbrittlebear July 26, 201110:02 am

    As a part-time resident of northern Minnesota, let me just say the woods are filled with Marcia Bachmannssssss. They come to church with their wives, and multiple children, never miss an antique or auction sale and make pancakes for the Lions club fundraisers. No one notices and, of course, no one would ever dare say anything even if they did. I had to really bite my tongue not to shout, “CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?” But when all is said and done, it’s really not my business, and I do feel sorry for them for their self-imposed imprisonment.

    • Pure Film Creative July 26, 201111:02 am

      It does make you feel sad, and think that one should perhaps raise a righteous army to liberate these poor souls, bring them to true salvation. If I knew where Minnesota was, I’d be there in a flash. Thanks for reading.

      — James

  • MNPRIDE July 26, 201110:41 am

    Ms. & Ms. Bachmann stinks up the entire state of MN. Not our fault, b/c MN would happen to be, according to The Advocate, “The Gayest City in America.” http://www.advocate.com/Print_Issue/Travel/Gayest_Cities_in_America_February_2011/ You know, that state in the middle of the us, bordering Canada? You betcha!

  • A Morgan July 26, 201112:20 pm

    I know nothing about “Marcia”, but PFC should do a little investigation of another republican presidential candidate…”Buddy” Roemer. This former Louisiana governor had a longterm relationship with a member of his State Police security team. Hush. Hush now, his name was Hamilton Mixon.

    • Pure Film Creative July 26, 201112:27 pm

      Thanks for reading and for commenting. Let me use this opportunity to make something clear. We are not in the business of outing anyone, nor are we doing any background investigation into closeted Republicans.

      Marcus “Marcia” Bachmann apparently uses Medicaid money to run ex-gay clinics. This is egregious, especially when he is obviously so light in his loafers himself. The punchline to what Marcia is doing would be a concentration camp in other cultures, in other times. We are not interested in other people’s sex lives, but we are interested in fighting hard to bring down those who would persecute us.

      — James K.

  • Q Manning July 26, 20114:05 pm

    You should take donations to up the ante of this. I would gladly donate to the cause :)

    • Pure Film Creative July 26, 20114:10 pm

      I’ve been seriously considering this. I could probably up the ante internally, but it seems appropriate to accept donations so that everyone who supports this has a stake.

      Many thanks for reading and for commenting.

      — James K.

  • Marvin July 27, 20117:14 am

    You guys should wait until Bachmann is the Republican nominee for President… Around October 2012 would be great timing.

    • Pure Film Creative July 27, 20118:39 am

      Hopefully she’ll be out of the race by then. I’m not interested in bringing down the Republicans so much as I am interested in race between (at least) two worthy candidates.

      You also have to strike while a story is topical. I had noticed something swishy this way cometh a few weeks ago, started commenting on it in various posts, but then when Daily Beast and Daily Show picked up on Marcia’s dodgy ex-gay ways, I decided to run with it.

      Thanks for reading,

      James K.

  • Scott Abel August 9, 20115:36 pm

    Have I old you lately how much I love, love, love you? This brought a huge smile to my face, Reposted and pimped on Facebook!

    • Pure Film Creative August 9, 20115:44 pm

      Hey, Scott. Thanks so much for the pimpin’. Please keep reading.

      — James K.

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