It’s my b’day today!!!  My 50th!  Hawaii Big Five-O!  Born on the Third of July!  Damn straight.  Seriously, I said straight, and I mean it.  I don’t have to explain.

I love my birthday!  It’s only one day away from being the best day an American can be born on.  But if you think about it, it was already the Forth of July in Australia when I was born, and I was married to an Australian once, which means it all depends on how you look at things, especially if you have embraced Scientology.  And you should.

I’m not gay, but a big thing happened yesterday: my man Anderson Cooper officially came out of his closet, which I think is a mighty brave thing for him to do, even though we Scientologists know that homosexualism is a toxin that can be cured with hours of saunas, massive doses of nyacin—like, till your eyes turn blue even though they are brown (its true, Ive seen it happen)—and running.  Yes, running.  Preferably in a huge dark indoor track around a beam of light.  That will make you see the light!  (Ha, ha!)  Running for 24 hrs straight (that magic word again!) will make you understand that homosexualism is nothing more than a toxin like any other that you can easily get yourself “clear” of.

If I was gay, for instants, or my fellow Scientologists John Travolta or Will Smith were—those gay rape rumors about Will are just so, pfft, bogus!—we would all be clear of it.  But we Scientologists are nothing if not friendly, happy and helpful, even to toxic peeps.  Look at our smiles:

So, in that spirit, and in honor of Coop’s b’day as an out gay man I’m going to give him some pointers as to what I think might be helpful if I was a gay celeb looking to have sex in middle age (but Im not):

Swag and Swagger

Coop, you already have this with that war correspondint thing going on. Explosions and terror stuff, and stuff.  Real cool there, bro, real cool.  That has scope.  And your a classy guy.  You dress for success, and you take advantage of the fact you look like that guy Rodger Sterling in Mad Max.  A lot of twinks will be into that, even though I here you like the more rugged type which is good.  Real good.  Real men should like real men.  I mean, if your gay, be G.A.Y.E.!  Don’t like girly boys who might remind you of anything womany!  Go for a guys guy.  Grrrr.

One thing missing there, Coop: wheels.  By that I mean a motorcycle, and a bichin one.  I even take mine up the red carpet with my current actress wife riding bich behind me. I can totally see you doing that with some strapping blond 25 year old boy babe next year when you pick up that honorary Purple Hart GLAAD Award for Unusual Gallantry Coming Out of Your Closet.  (Congrats in advance!)

I don’t need to tell you that those suits you wear aren’t going to make it with your new wheels.  You need to thread up, man!  Woo-hoo!  Send a PA down to Melrose to buy you some rockin leathers.  The boy babes are going to love it.  Theyll be spreading their legs from the Upper East Side to Malibu for that beast of a macho f**ker your going to be.

And that’s another thing:

No More Bottoming

I don’t mean to be forward or anything my brother, but Ive been hearing things about how you… you know, like it.  Up the exit door and stuff.  Now if I was gay I would totally get this because we guys have a prostrate glan… it feels totally awesome taking a big hard dump sometimes, esp as you get older.  But bottoming is for younger guys, man.  Its unseemful for an older dude.  Not that I know what your into and stuff, just saying.

You want to be the stud muffin for the boy babes, bro.  Ive never seen gay porn but Ive seen some Old Greek vases a producer of mine from when I was starting out collected and the older dudes weren’t taking it up the exit door from the younger dudes if you know what I mean.  So that’s history talking to you right there, and it doesn’t like to repeat itself.

Viagra is NOT Ashameful!!!

Now that your not bottoming any more and hittin that boy pussy hard, you gotta wrap it up, my brother.  I’m not ashamed to admit that nothing makes me go limpid faster than the site of a condom!  Its better to be rock hard even if it doesn’t go down after three hours and you can’t piss between sessions than to be the opposite or even worse have to bottom again to keep the boy babe interested! (But he wont because but cheeks sag after 45, nothing you can do about it. Trust me Ive tried.  There’s always this little rinkly fold right under the but cheeks that won’t go away, and I do squats 2/three hours a day twice a week.)

Here’s how I look at the Big Blue V… they don’t call it wood because they mean it to be pulp!  Here’s a tip (hah! just made a punny!): chew the pill, works faster.  Yeah, tastes like s**t, but man up, bro!

Die That Hair!

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I die my hair.  And other stuff, too, but that’s all you need to know.  I totally get that you got the Advocate cover by being a silver fox and its you’re trademark and stuff but you are wasting opportunitys with the boy babes with that grey hair.  In Scientology one of the first things we learn is how to maximise our hidden potential.  You know that famous Dianetics volcanoe?  Everyones seen the commercial.  That’s you, Coop.  Its about unleashing you’re inner volcanoe and the one between you’re legs by dying you’re hair brown, or even black would look wicked cool.  Your a hansome guy!

Also, Ive heard that Botocks injections and Human Growth Hormone (HGN) are realy effective.  I’ve heard it from the stunt guys on set.  I haven’t tried it.

Toys R Us

Hear’s what Ive heard about young guys who like older guys.  There are too types… First is the realy romantic girly type who wants a daddy to protect her, wants to keep house, wash the dogs, ett.  The secind secund 2nd type is the realy filthy nasty kinky young buck just want to be strapped in a sling and have his daddy f**k the daylites out of him.  Either way both kinds have big daddy fantasys which is good but you still have to die your hair.

The first kind are boring and they can get a bit histerical when you need to ask them to leave because as we guys know nothing grows stailer faster than poontang, even boy poontang.  Then there’s lots of paperwork and stuff, lawyers, playoffs payoffs… gets nasty.  In any case, I here you like real guys so you probably like the secand 2nd type better, any case.  But they can be exausting!  You aren’t 25 any more!

Solution: Toys!

Just send a PA down to the Pleasure Chest on Sta Monica Blvd—don’t forget to have same sign a non-Disclosure Agreemint (NDM) first!—and have him buy a whole bunch in different sizes.  Trick is midway through a long session you give the young buck a realy big thick one and say, “Hear, let me see you sit on this!” And then you kick back and take a break for a while while he tries.

Big hint hear even if you have a sling (definitely get one, you’ll thank me later): back streches first.  Always do lots of streching and maybe some Advill.  Its cool, it won’t mess with the Big Blue V, give you a heart attack, ett.

Good luck to you, tiger!  I wish I were gay two because it seems like you guys have all the fun.

High Five-O,

Tom