Allyson Felix American Flag

You Go Girl: U.S. Women Clean the Table

The medal table, that is.

Once again, in the post-Cold War era, the United States has rocked the summer Olympics, winning the most medals and doing so in the premiere events. Only this time, Team USA had to get there without much help from the boys. The American girls left burn marks on the track, defied gravity on the mats, stroked breasts, and slapped balls (hey, I’m talking about sports here, ya perv!) en route to a hefty hardware haul.

Meanwhile, almost every U.S. male Olympian not named Michael Phelps came up short… Men’s volleyball bombed. Their track dominance ended in a streak of Jamaican green and yellow. They left their best gymnastics moves in a vault somewhere (wait for it). What happened?

No doubt they trained as hard and with as much determination as ever. But is the rest of the world catching up? Are other nations spending more money/developing better performance-enhancing drugs to support their athletes? Are Wheaties box appearances not as lucrative as they used to be?

No, I don’t think those are the reasons. I blame the rampant overuse of penis-enlargement pills.

Destinee Hooker Naked

Jurassic Jersey

Let’s go ahead and admit that we’re both sick to death of this stupid Chick-Fil-A story that won’t go away and then talk about something else. Do you know what that something is? Animatronic dinosaurs!

Other states’ hokey roadside attractions include such thrilling sights as giant balls of twine and museums dedicated to barbed wire. Not here in Jersey. When you pull off the highway in Jersey, we give you 31 actual-size animatronic dinosaurs that blink, roar, claw, look around, breathe, and wag their tails!

You gotta problem widdat?

Brooklyn Decker Breasts Naked

HUMOR: Is the NYPD Fucking with Me?

You got to where you are now largely because of decisions, large and small, that you’ve made. Sometimes it’s obvious. Like, when you stabbed that guy in the neck because he made fun of The Carpenters, your all-time favorite brother-sister musical act, you probably should have guessed that you’d spend the next 12 years in prison.

Or, when you walked into Barnes and Noble on October 5, 2005 and arbitrarily peeked at the first page of some random new book called Twilight, you should have known that, almost seven years later, you’d be acting like a deranged mental patient on YouTube because your BFF Kristen Stewart kissed the wrong boy.

Daniel Tosh Crying

The Tosh Pit

Warning: I’m about to be condescending to the simple-minded. Unfortunately, they do not read PFC, so please forward this article if you know any of them.

I’ve tried to settle controversies “once and for all” in the past, but until we hit 300 million clicks per day here, I’m going to keep falling short of enlightening everyone. Well, let’s say 220 million clicks per day. All those horrid old people out there refuse to budge an inch no matter how much wisdom I share, and they probably don’t know what the internets are anyway.

So, to all under-sixty-five North Americans who can read and have access to a computer (with apologies to those of you who can’t and don’t… you know who you are, because this looks like gibberish and you can’t see it anyway): The Daniel Tosh Rape-Joke Scandal is not a free-speech issue, for fuck’s sake.