Fall 2013 Trend Alert: Grunge Rocks!

Gentle reader,

A string of rather unsettling billboards has been appearing around town that seems to be advertising a new television series or film about a family that wears hideous matching sweaters.  I can’t stand to look at them for more than a second, quite frankly, but the image that is burned into my retina places the time period firmly between the years of 1982 to 1984.  I’m not really sure why we keep trying to revive the 80s because unlike the 1920s or the 1940s, which have also been popular recent references in fashion, it was a supremely unattractive decade.  Whether the neon colors of early Madonna or Joan Collins’ lamé Dynasty gowns or the high-waisted jeans featured on that show starring Michael J. Fox,

Burberry Prorsum Mens FW 2013

Don’t Fall On Your Arse: Men’s Fall Fashion 2013

Gentle reader,

I feel very fortunate to spend most of my days breathing the rarified air of luxury fashion, but working for a designer who has several large collections himself each season and then using Lanvin, Dior or Barneys as my go-to solutions for clients’ sartorial troubles that can’t be solved in-house because they are mere steps away can make one a little, well, fragile when faced with people on the street.  One evening last week, for instance,

Rick Owens Men SS 2014

Tiptoe Through the Tulips: Paris Men’s Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2014

Gentle reader,

I don’t know how often you get to L.A.’s Chinatown, but it’s changed quite a bit since the last time I was down there picking out traditional funerary offerings to decorate our Chinese-themed Christmas tree.  A few nights ago, our friend Hai invited us along to Chinatown Design Night and I noticed that several of the wonderfully dusty old antiques shops along Chung King Road have gone.  The storefronts are now being used as cool art galleries and most were hosting shows the evening we were there, which was organized by the L.A. Design Festival, but the space I became most familiar with, both because the works were so interesting and because they had vodka,

Beyoncé Met Ball

Ballin’ on a Budget: The 2013 Met Gala

Gentle reader,

Did you ever wonder what it would look like when the Fashion World’s mighty had fallen?  The organizers of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute Gala might have been pondering that very question when they settled upon the theme “Punk: Chaos to Couture” for this year’s bash because from the final scorecard of hits and misses, it seems that infusing punk inspirations into red carpet glamour proved trickier than expected.  Some just threw in the towel and showed up in beautiful ball gowns.

Givenchy Finale

Secrets Travel Fast: Paris Fashion Week Spring 2013

Gentle reader,

Okay, so I’ve hardly watched anything on TV this past week except the first episode of Revenge which was fine except that the revelation that Victoria Grayson was still alive should have been a lot more shocking than just having Emily show up at the door of Victoria’s hideout on the pretense of helping free her falsely institutionalized daughter.  I mean, really?  If ABC doesn’t step it up, I’ll be forced to do a fashion addendum to Eric’s scathing critique of 666 Park Avenue.

Madeleine Stowe in ‘Revenge’

Much of the reason for my failure to keep up with the new TV shows is that I’m being forced to watch endless training footage on this season’s accessories from my design house’s Milan office.  I’m already a bit put out with Milan in general after the mess of last week’s spring 2013 shows but this really is the last straw.  The guy from the styling office is a handsome Italian with pretty eyes and just the right amount of scruff, but watching him pick up and put down those fucking shoes for two hours is just soul crushing.  When you add the nonsensical translation that seems voiced by a BBC News anchor who has suffered a stroke and is speaking perfectly pronounced English words in a completely random order, I’m surprised I haven’t downed a bottle of Drano by now.  Let’s see if I can do better in explaining next spring’s Paris collections.

It helps that we seem to be getting some clear messages again.  Black and white are major players in most of the important collections, Japanese influences are big and the circa-1970 ruffles and full sleeves that we saw at Gucci popped up everywhere.

Lady Gaga Fame

Goth Girls and Vampire Brides: Fall 2012’s Dark Glamour

Gentle reader,

Can you believe there was a time when I raced home every Wednesday night to catch America’s Next Top Model?  Okay, try really hard.  Do you believe it now?  You have to admit that Tyra’s butt was too big to fit in a photo shoot but it was fun to see her switch from Classy Tyra to Ghetto Tyra every once in a while.  After a few seasons, though, the backstage antics became predictable when the archetypes of Rebel, Princess, Whiner, and Token Lesbian were repeated season after season.  I also began to realize that these girls are about as likely to have professional modeling careers as my five-foot tall, middle-aged cleaning lady Esperanza, who has an amazing way with bleach but perhaps not so much affinity for the lens.  ANTM and I eventually parted ways.

Imagine my surprise when I got home Friday night after a long day, mixed my signature So-Skinny-You-Should-See-A-Doctor Margarita (tequila, half an Equal, a splash of lemon juice topped off with lime-flavored sparkling water over ice, you’re welcome) and flipped on the TV to see my old Wednesday friend Tyra Banks on the screen.  Not only has she moved to Friday night, but she’s also fired all her old judges and decided to do a College Edition so the judges are new but the bitch who wins will still be too old to get started as a professional model.  And you have to take “College Edition” with a grain of salt because, although one of them is a Harvard student, beauty school and online “college” students certainly outnumber Ivy Leaguers.  It still sounded more upscale, though, until the first challenge turned out to be an impromptu bikini runway show and photo shoot at a daytime frat party.  Ick.