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You Go Girl: U.S. Women Clean the Table

The medal table, that is.

Once again, in the post-Cold War era, the United States has rocked the summer Olympics, winning the most medals and doing so in the premiere events. Only this time, Team USA had to get there without much help from the boys. The American girls left burn marks on the track, defied gravity on the mats, stroked breasts, and slapped balls (hey, I’m talking about sports here, ya perv!) en route to a hefty hardware haul.

Meanwhile, almost every U.S. male Olympian not named Michael Phelps came up short… Men’s volleyball bombed. Their track dominance ended in a streak of Jamaican green and yellow. They left their best gymnastics moves in a vault somewhere (wait for it). What happened?

No doubt they trained as hard and with as much determination as ever. But is the rest of the world catching up? Are other nations spending more money/developing better performance-enhancing drugs to support their athletes? Are Wheaties box appearances not as lucrative as they used to be?

No, I don’t think those are the reasons. I blame the rampant overuse of penis-enlargement pills.