Jesus Christ, Super Slut


by Eric J Baker

How many Christians, if given the chance, would nail Jesus Christ? And I don’t mean “to the cross.”

Now that I’ve got one foot in Hell, I’ll continue: Lust is a sin (despite God installing lust software in every one of us and it being necessary for the survival of our species). That’s why we have Jesus. For that pure, perfect, sexless love we’ve all been yearning for.

Sorry, but I call “Bullshit.”

After raising our readers' expectations, we couldn't lead with one of the art history lesson images Baker selected, so we dipped into Google with "jesus naked" and found a picture of Grandma posing in front of boy toy Jesus Luz for W. Look, she's wearing a cross. She also looks like she's about to puke.

If you’ll permit me to be metaphorical for a moment, I will tell you that a river flows. You can divert it or dam it (ooh, double meaning inside my metaphor. I am clever!), but you can’t stop it. All that water has to go somewhere.

Rock Saved The Queen


By Eric J Baker

Anyone who has seen a Mel Gibson movie knows that the English are pure evil.

In Braveheart (1995), King Edward the Utter Bastard spends his days raiding Scottish villages and his nights raiding Scottish panties, much to the chagrin of one William Wallace. Not to be outdone, a total rotter named William Tavington shows up in The Patriot (2000) to burn down a church full of parishioners during the early days of the American Revolution. And who can forget The Passion of the Christ (2004), in which the usurper, King Richard III, locks Jesus in the Tower of London so he can take His place at the right hand of God?

The Brits killed Jesus and then made a film about it, "Life of Brian," which was not very funny, but because every snickering geek thought Monty Python was hilarious no matter what they, did you sort of chuckled along with it. Lame. It was a case of the emperor has no jokes.

I think it was Posh Spice who said, “With great evil comes great invention.” Or maybe it was me. I forget. But it’s true, is it not? The Nazis invented rocket engines. The Soviets put the first man into orbit, Yuri Sputnik. That kid invented Facebook. Given that Great Britain is the hub of all that is wicked, it’s no wonder the English are responsible for some of the most game-changing inventions in human history, like…for instance, the… the…um…