Dear NRA: Shut Up.

Two events that occurred in movie theaters made the news this week, and I’m not sure the details surrounding them say good things about our so-called “American Values.”

In the first event, a likable, elderly character actor/comedian allegedly pulled his pecker out while viewing a porn film in LA. Thankfully for those of us who know peckers are the devil’s work, the LAPD was on the case. They swooped in, armed with good, old-fashioned righteousness, and busted the vile perp. Word has it that this police force regularly spends taxpayer money and devotes people and departmental resources to stamping out semi-public masturbation in adult theaters.

I feel safer just thinking about it.