The Psychology of Sexy

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I can’t decide if Madonna is more like Bill Clinton or Star Wars. Do you ever think that?

Madonna, like President 42, is utterly incapable of embarrassment, which may be the single most important attribute a modern celebrity can possess. If you can smile through nude photo scandals, ugly public divorces, Razzie awards, and countless other excuses to die of shame, you might just have some career longevity. And as Star Wars forever changed the movie business like no film had before or ever will again, Madonna is the benchmark by which all female pop stars will henceforth be measured, until humans are replaced by robots (who have even worse taste than we do).

Jesus Christ, Super Slut


by Eric J Baker

How many Christians, if given the chance, would nail Jesus Christ? And I don’t mean “to the cross.”

Now that I’ve got one foot in Hell, I’ll continue: Lust is a sin (despite God installing lust software in every one of us and it being necessary for the survival of our species). That’s why we have Jesus. For that pure, perfect, sexless love we’ve all been yearning for.

Sorry, but I call “Bullshit.”

After raising our readers' expectations, we couldn't lead with one of the art history lesson images Baker selected, so we dipped into Google with "jesus naked" and found a picture of Grandma posing in front of boy toy Jesus Luz for W. Look, she's wearing a cross. She also looks like she's about to puke.

If you’ll permit me to be metaphorical for a moment, I will tell you that a river flows. You can divert it or dam it (ooh, double meaning inside my metaphor. I am clever!), but you can’t stop it. All that water has to go somewhere.

Miss Paltrow Unravels?

Let me say right off the bat that I really used to like Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress, and she seems like a perfectly nice person as well.  I’ve never heard a bad thing about her from the few people I know who have enjoyed an interpersonal relationship with her.  Gwyneth seems familiar to me; she’s someone who might be a cousin of mine, if I had cousins.  Sadly or fortunately, both of my parents were only children.

A recent song and dance number from "Glee." Is it just me, or does La Gwyneth seem a little stiff here? I know nothing about dance; hate doing it myself, I look ridiculous. I'm far better chatting up the bartender. When I downloaded this image I started humming that gay show tune from 'Blazing Saddles': "Throw out your hands, stick out your tush!"

Gwyneth is the right kind of WASPy, you know, not the lockjawed Newport Great Gatsby manqué kind, but the down-to-earth, Yankee, descendant-of-Cotton Mather kind, who knows how to clip a coupon even though there’s a hundred million in the bank, who appreciates a well-waxed pew.  In other words, the kind we like, who inform our work with their realness and quirkiness, not the kind we feel like pushing over the porch after four scotch and sodas because they sound like an un-oiled screen door opening and shutting incessantly and are blighted with equine humor.

Gwyneth seems to be struggling these days, trying to regain a foothold in a business she once ruled over with confidence side by side with the likes of Matt Damon, who seems ready to have a constellation named after him, and her ex Ben Affleck, who is doing pretty well as a director of Boston versions of The Wire, which somehow end up on the big screen rather than where they belong.