Take My Wives, Please

TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

I thought I’d venture back into treacherous HGTV territory this week to share my experience of the new series HGTV’d.  You see, hunky handyman Carter Oosterhouse was the featured designer this time around and there was a high probability that he might take his shirt off because that’s an important part of any television handyman’s job description.

Carter Oosterhouse demonstrates what real men use to trim their chest hair.

The show was moving along in typical HGTV style with the cheesy host, overexcited homeowners, and questionable design aesthetic.  I was able to keep it together because there was still, you know, Carter at the end of the tunnel.  Then, at the six-minute mark and very first commercial break, the perky host asked, “Can Carter live up to the homeowners’ expectations?”  This was immediately followed by a preview clip of the lady of the house screaming, “Oh my GOD! I LOVE it!” as she walks into the newly designed room.  Really?  I give up now.  Where is the suspense?  Where is the drama?  What’s the point of waiting around for another twenty-four minutes to see what they’ve already shown us?  We could be developing vaccines for rare diseases or watching porn or doing the many other things one does when not watching stupid home design shows.  I didn’t even stick around to see if Carter took his fucking shirt off.