Tom of Finalnd

EXCLUSIVE: Tarantino Making Movie About Gheys & AIDS

In an appearance on an Australian radio broadcast the other day while promoting his Django Unchained downunder, Quentin Tarantino made a surprise announcement, which perhaps wasn’t so surprising for those of us who saw the obvious trajectory of his self-consciously subversive movies.  QT, as he is known to Scientologists who still hope to bring him into the fold, was making this appearance on a station notorious for causing a nurse to kill herself after they prank-called her while she was caring for the Duchess of Cambridge.  His goal? 

Tom Cruise Katie Holmes

The Tom Cruise Guide to Gay Sex in Your 50s

It’s my b’day today!!!  My 50th!  Hawaii Big Five-O!  Born on the Third of July!  Damn straight.  Seriously, I said straight, and I mean it.  I don’t have to explain.

I love my birthday!  It’s only one day away from being the best day an American can be born on.  But if you think about it, it was already the Forth of July in Australia when I was born, and I was married to an Australian once, which means it all depends on how you look at things, especially if you have embraced Scientology.  And you should.

I’m not gay, but a big thing happened yesterday: my man Anderson Cooper officially came out of his closet, which I think is a mighty brave thing for him to do, even though we Scientologists know that homosexualism is a toxin that can be cured with hours of saunas, massive doses of nyacin—like, till your eyes turn blue even though they are brown (its true, Ive seen it happen)—and running.  Yes, running.  Preferably in a huge dark indoor track around a beam of light.  That will make you see the light!  (Ha, ha!)  Running for 24 hrs straight (that magic word again!) will make you understand that homosexualism is nothing more than a toxin like any other that you can easily get yourself “clear” of.

Pop Goes the Easel


by Eric J Baker

Well, humanity has let me down again. NBC recently shuttered production on Prime Suspect, their only good new drama, based on the flimsy justification that no one watches it. The chief complaint I can gather from the TV viewing public is that they didn’t like the main character’s hat. Could we not have started a letter-writing campaign, a la Star Trek, to get her a new hat?* Come on, people.

Detective Poppy Montgomery of “Unforgettable" will pepper spray you for 25 bucks and give you a thorough frisking for 50.

So that leaves only two police procedurals left on network TV that revolve around a female character. The first is ABC’s Body of Proof, about a medical examiner played by Dana Delany, who I called annoying here a few months back. I was wrong to say that; she’s fine and understated in her role. It’s the writing that annoys, with its clumsy attempt to mix light comedy and grit. In a show about murder, cute humor doesn’t work. The other production, over on CBS, is the freshman drama Unforgettable.