EMMYS 2013: How Much Reality is Too Real?

Gentle reader,

We are taking a break from fashion this week.  It’s only a mild hundred and two here in the Desert today but I’m still not really in the mood to discuss all the boiled wool and fur showing up in stores right now and, aside from the fact that I learned a fantastic new way to tie a scarf yesterday, nothing notable has happened the past few days anyway.  On the other hand, Killough feels that things are heating up in the Emmy race and already covered in some great detail his feeling on who should and who would win in the traditional categories.  I’m going to take a stab at the reality genre,

The Great Spider Invasion


by Eric J Baker

I always crack up at Shaun of the Dead when Ed (Nick Frost) tries to kill a zombie by throwing an Electro record at it and Shaun (Simon Pegg) shouts, “Hey! That was the second album I ever bought!” No matter how forgettable the recording, music lovers will always elevate their early favorites to legendary status. In my case, though, no rose-colored glasses are needed. The first album I ever bought is a certified classic.

Bowie's space oddity-ness began with the mismatched pupils of his eyes.

It must have been around 1979. I remember carrying my 10 bucks into a ratty box car of a music shop called Graymat (perhaps the worst name in the history of stores, at once evoking a drabness and a laundromat), selecting my vinyl, and plunking the cash on the counter. The manager was a chunky, stone-faced guy with all the expressiveness and charm of Darth Vader. He intimidated the hell out of me, so this coming-of-age moment was tempered by a case of jangled nerves. I was sure glad to be out of there with bag in hand.

Ron Paul: Zombie President


by Eric J Baker

It ends right here and right now.

I’m talking about the massive media conspiracy to ignore Ron Paul (you know the imaginary conspiracy his paranoid disciples won’t stop talking about). This story mentions but one GOP candidate – the one, true heir to the presidency – and dispenses with the usurpers. Today, my keyboard is Excalibur, and the mainstream media is whatever got famously killed by it (I never read a King Arthur book). Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ron Paul:

G4’s cutest cowgirl, Sara Jean “Ron Paul” Underwood

You may have heard the buzz surrounding the upcoming Timur Bekmambetov flick Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which, in my mind, has Snakes on a Plane-fiasco written all over it. $70,000,000 is a lot of money to spend on a movie simply because the title is quirky, no? Besides, this concept has already been done by AMC’s hit series, The Walking Dead, which recently resumed its second season after a winter hiatus. But instead of a dead Republican president and vampires, The Walking Dead is about a live Republican presidential candidate and his vision for America. You know who I mean.

Christina’s Finger. Nicki’s Butt.


by Eric J Baker

The Voice is better than American Idol for two reasons: It doesn’t publicly humiliate untalented people who are too simpleminded to know they are being exploited, and the judges are legit and successful music industry veterans, not the stunt-casted personalities on Idol. Ellen DeGeneres might be everybody’s favorite TV host next door, but she knew as much about music as I know about Olympic diving. And you won’t see me in London this summer giving out 9.0s or whatever, will you?

Christina has great pipes. And she can sing.

Unlike Paula Abdul, the judges on The Voice are all sober and can sing. Blake Shelton’s country-corny lyrics don’t rock my world, but he knows how to write a hit. Cee Lo Green is brilliant at combining sweeping production with amusing, personal lyrics, and, like The Killers, one of the aughts’ most successful bands, Adam Levine’s Maroon 5 borrow heavily from 80s pop/rock yet somehow make it contemporary. I’d say the star of the show is Christina Aguilera, but perhaps that’s simply where my eyes go when the camera is pointed in her general direction.