Ron Paul: Zombie President


by Eric J Baker

It ends right here and right now.

I’m talking about the massive media conspiracy to ignore Ron Paul (you know the imaginary conspiracy his paranoid disciples won’t stop talking about). This story mentions but one GOP candidate – the one, true heir to the presidency – and dispenses with the usurpers. Today, my keyboard is Excalibur, and the mainstream media is whatever got famously killed by it (I never read a King Arthur book). Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ron Paul:

G4’s cutest cowgirl, Sara Jean “Ron Paul” Underwood

You may have heard the buzz surrounding the upcoming Timur Bekmambetov flick Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which, in my mind, has Snakes on a Plane-fiasco written all over it. $70,000,000 is a lot of money to spend on a movie simply because the title is quirky, no? Besides, this concept has already been done by AMC’s hit series, The Walking Dead, which recently resumed its second season after a winter hiatus. But instead of a dead Republican president and vampires, The Walking Dead is about a live Republican presidential candidate and his vision for America. You know who I mean.

The Dead Shall Rock The Earth


by Eric J Baker

Zombies are dead.

Well, of course they’re dead, but I speak in terms of pop culture trends. The second season of AMC’s TV series The Walking Dead is alleged to return in the fall, and Milla Jovovich threatens a fifth Resident Evil movie for 2012, proving that audiences in overseas markets will watch anything that’s filmed in English. So that’s something. Right?

Milla will eat your brains, too.

Maybe not. An IMDb scan of this summer’s wide-release movie titles doesn’t turn up a single case of the zed word. Hell, when George Romero, the guy who invented the modern zombie film, can’t get an undead flick into wide release, it’s time to shoot this genre in the head. His 2009 entry, Survival of the Dead, grossed a massive $54,000 in its opening weekend. That’s less than Charlie Sheen spends on hookers every Saturday.

Good God, I just made a Jay Leno joke. Is this what rock bottom feels like?