The Tom Cruise Guide to Gay Sex in Your 50s

It’s my b’day today!!!  My 50th!  Hawaii Big Five-O!  Born on the Third of July!  Damn straight.  Seriously, I said straight, and I mean it.  I don’t have to explain.

I love my birthday!  It’s only one day away from being the best day an American can be born on.  But if you think about it, it was already the Forth of July in Australia when I was born, and I was married to an Australian once, which means it all depends on how you look at things, especially if you have embraced Scientology.  And you should.

I’m not gay, but a big thing happened yesterday: my man Anderson Cooper officially came out of his closet, which I think is a mighty brave thing for him to do, even though we Scientologists know that homosexualism is a toxin that can be cured with hours of saunas, massive doses of nyacin—like, till your eyes turn blue even though they are brown (its true, Ive seen it happen)—and running.  Yes, running.  Preferably in a huge dark indoor track around a beam of light.  That will make you see the light!  (Ha, ha!)  Running for 24 hrs straight (that magic word again!) will make you understand that homosexualism is nothing more than a toxin like any other that you can easily get yourself “clear” of.