TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Gentle reader,

You’re not going to believe this but there’s a new matchmaker show on the horizon.  That’s right, Why Am I Still Single?! is here!  The geniuses at VH1, home of quality programming like Mob Wives and Rock of Love Bus, premiered their answer to Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker over the weekend and, holy shit, it’s a train wreck.

The first thing we notice is that Patti’s competition is a pretty New Yorker named Siggy Flicker, which sounds like it could be Cockney rhyming slang for female anatomical parts.  She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, but attached to that head are the longest hair extensions in the Western Hemisphere.  One of the first things she says is “You can’t fake love.  You can’t fake passion.  You can’t fake chemistry.”  But you sure can fake your damn hair!  Who the hell thinks five-foot long hair looks good, anyway?  Crystal Gale?

When we meet Siggy’s “Twin Stylists,” though, she starts to look pretty classy by comparison.  Jenn and Jamie are actual twins and would have made a fortune as porn stars but they took their bleached hair, crazy dark roots and white eye shadow on the high road and are now slapping makeup on the unsuspecting bitches who have the misfortune to turn up on this show.  I wonder what Jerseylicious is going to do when they find out some of their stylists have flown the coop.

This brings us to her first two clients.  Katie is a blonde, spotty-faced virgin with minimal grooming skills and Rich is a tool who thinks he’s the East Coast’s answer to George Clooney.  Siggy plays a clever trick and sends the two clients on a test date with each other to find out how hopeless they really are.  Rich shows up wearing red pants but is otherwise presentable until he starts calling the waiter “garçon,” flirting with the waitress and acting like a cheeseball.  Katie is too busy digging food out of her back teeth with her finger to notice this but when she later feels the date going south she is astute enough to offer up her virginity, prompting Siggy to pop out from her hiding place and call a stop to one of the most uncomfortable social situations ever filmed.

Over the next hour, they all learn some important lessons and Rich turns out to be just a lonely guy who is kind of cool when he drops the act.  Katie is still a sweaty fucking mess but there may be hope for her as long as she doesn’t put too much stock in the Twins’ most important tip.  “Just when you think you’re done with your makeup,” they tell her, “add more!”

Besides this gem in the crown of reality television, last weekend’s other highlight was our friends Claire and David’s much anticipated Annual Pumpkin Carving Extravaganza in the heart of Hollywood.  Claire and David, who writes the fun CreepyLA blog, begin decorating for Halloween in August so you know there will be some pretty amazing artistry on these gourds.  Scott and I didn’t enter in the competition this year because carving a pumpkin is messy and it takes a really long time, especially if you want it to look good but we had a great time judging anyway.

On the walk home, I noticed a cool mist in the night air and realized that autumn had suddenly arrived.  Doesn’t that make you want to break out all the gorgeous clothes you’ve had tucked away for the cooler weather?  Well, it’s about time, bitches!  Let’s try to make some sense out of the several thousand trends including the pleats and ruffles, head-to-toe prints, and the 1940s and early 1960s, that have descended upon you girls this season so that you’ll pick the best and put the rest to the back of the wardrobe.

FUR:  We can’t really go any further without calling out the most mentioned trend this season and, though PETA may not be happy about it, fur is big on the fashion radar.  It was actually kind of hard to find an exit, let alone an entire collection, without some kind of fur on it, whether fox, Mongolian lamb or the lady across the street’s cat.  While the total fur look is a little passé, details like collars, cuffs, sleeves and hemlines are the way to go.  And remember, there’s always faux but you didn’t hear it from me.

COLOR:  Next is the amazing range of colors that have infiltrated the normally staid black and gray Fall/Winter palette.  The economy may still be somewhat in the dumps and some courageous people have even taken to the streets to Occupy Wall Street but many designers have decided to fight the financial doldrums in a more productive way with bright colors!  Lemon, orange, magenta and burgundy were some of the most notable splashes but you really could find almost any color you want.

VINTAGE ROCK:  Another trend this season wasn’t really as obvious but I definitely saw a vintage music influence that I liked and that played out in a lot of different ways.  Rocker chic was featured less than expected at Balmain where it’s usually the bedrock of the collection but there was a glittering Rockabilly idea at Dolce & Gabbana mixed in with all the shiny stars.  Christian Dior and Gucci both had a luxe Bohemian feel that was influenced by Florence and the Machine’s Florence Welsh at the latter.  In possibly the most literal vintage rock reference, Tommy Hilfiger channeled the Rolling Stones via Stones muse Anita Pallenberg.  The collection was interesting but I’d rather have seen what he could do with Pallenberg’s Barbarella outfits as inspiration.  Talk about an interesting use of fur!

Well, enjoy those turtlenecks.

Much love,

xxJames