Crazy Girls and Sharp‑Dressed Men
by James Tuttle
The year 2012, much maligned by the ancient Mayans, has finally arrived and right along with it the highly anticipated second season of VH1’s Mob Wives. Maybe the Mayans’ idea of the end of civilization was that Mob Wives would get another season so, even though the Earth hasn’t imploded, they might have been right on track.
Unfortunately, this first episode was less of an earth-shattering event and more of a bunch of tough talking, no-class tramps looking for things to get upset about. First off, linebacker/drama queen Renee is offended that Carla didn’t come visit her in the hospital after her liposuction surgery had gone horribly wrong.
You see, Renee didn’t want to go to the gym “like the skinny bitches” so she got a full-body makeover and ended up in intensive care. Now everyone should drop what they’re doing and run to the hospital because she couldn’t put down her fucking fork and step on a treadmill once in a while. That Carla is so selfish.
And Karen is fuming about Drita telling everyone how she totally wrecked her in the rooftop fight at the end of last season. This is clearly a story the producers have fed to Karen because Drita, my hands-down favorite no-nonsense Albanian glamazon, would never make up shit like that. Karen, on the other hand, is so easily deceived and so eager to make for good TV that she is determined to start another fight with Drita, and thinks that the party Renee is throwing to celebrate her victory over death-by-liposuction is the best place to do it.
We haven’t yet seen how this fight ends but I’m definitely on Team Drita. Not only is she a born scrapper and a natural on camera, but she’s also been taking boxing lessons. Sorry, Karen, your face might not look as good next week.
I actually liked the Mob Wives’ “New Year’s Day” promo better than the actual show. The girls are beautifully dressed and the hair and makeup is so good, especially on the chubby ones, that they look Photoshopped. And everyone seems more glamorous in slow motion. In fact, I may try moving around in slow motion for the next few days and see if I look any better. Not in public, of course. That would be stupid.
Well, now that we’ve got that out of the way, it’s time to talk fashion. Given what Killough and I spied the young ladies wearing as we walked through Hollywood on New Year’s Eve, it appears that my sartorial advice of the last several months has been falling on deaf ears. If you have to wriggle your skirt down to cover your panties every step you take, it’s not a skirt. It’s a belt.
So, let’s give the guys a chance this week and look forward to some men’s trends for Spring/Summer 2012. The men’s spring shows were full of energy and an exuberance for fashion that gave rise to a ton of trends for the coming months but a lot of them are, quite frankly, a bit silly and others are so predictable (“leather jackets!”) that we can narrow it down without too much trouble.
- Bold Colors: We are going to be seeing a lot of bright hues for men, from the all-yellow look that we’ve already discussed at Cavalli to the pinks and oranges that were are all over the Paris and Milan shows. Ocean blue was so prevalent at Kenzo, Margiela and Issey Miyake, among others, that it’s actually a trend on its own. It looks great with yellow and the other brights but, paired with white, it’s quite classic and nautical. The tip here is to forgo the head-to-toe wild color and pick up a bright sweater or polo shirt instead. If you’re a little more daring, find some hot pink jeans to wear with your navy blazer. Trust me, it looks much cooler than it sounds.
- Wide Trousers: I’m not sure how I feel about the wide, flowing trousers that went down the runways at Dior and Ferragamo because I’ve become really comfortable with the narrower leg that has been around the last couple of years. I actually overdid it a few seasons ago and had a pair of pants tapered so much that I couldn’t walk up the stairs in them. They looked really cool but, on second thought, maybe a wider pant isn’t such a bad idea. Another option is the “carrot pant” at Dries Van Noten and Christophe Lemaire that is full and pleated at the top but narrow at the bottom, but tread carefully here. Just saying the words carrot pant makes me feel like an organic smoothie.
- Schoolboy Blazers: Shorter, trimmer and more constructed jackets for spring looked great at Louis Vuitton and Gucci. Be careful not to get the sleeves too short because, rather than looking current, you’ll look like you’re wearing a little person’s clothes. There was also a sprinkling of long jackets like the ones at Yves Saint Laurent that were reminiscent of outerwear, if you want to try something in the other direction.
- Evening Shine: Going back to my favorite collection in Milan this season, Gucci had great examples of a sheen on the evening looks that seemed very cool and modern. There’s a point where you can get too shiny and I probably would never wear the complete ensemble that Ryan Gosling did but you can always break it up. Even if you don’t have a lot of black tie events coming up in the spring, you’ll still wear the jacket with dark jeans.
So that’s pretty clean and simple, right? With all these strange new colors and proportions coming at us, it’s easy to get confused, but don’t worry. Just be open to new things. If you feel like it, try it on and take if off if you hate it. That, along with always having as much fun as possible is a pretty good general rule for anything, I think.
Okay, went through the closet, threw out all the grays I’d bought after the Varvatos article, brought out the blues. Just when I was wondering what to do with those expensive Nicole Fahri charcoal blue baggy linen trousers, you come to the rescue. I suppose if we go from gray to blue, that means green is next. I will have to sit that one out, regrettably, or skip directly to pink.
I heartily recommend moving in slow motion whenever possible, especially with hair like yours. It’s how I move through the gym. Avoiding eye contact also takes five years off.
Good call, Killough! Gray was fine for a while but it’s time for blue…and bright pink and yellow and orange. I’d sit out the green with you unless it’s olive, in which case I’d load up.
The slow motion wasn’t working out so well for me. It really cut down on productivity, which I stupidly didn’t foresee. Well, on to the next!
Is ryan gosling going to jump out of the closet now that he gayed himself up.having got himself a six-pack,blonder hair and like any nouveau gayman:style.Is he going to dump the desperate studio sponsered floozie acting as his beard or is it just an attempt to get more action in the closet while the status quo remains.Now that he dumbed down or should it be up, to play in “Box Office Hits” it will be career suicide.Stay there Ryan would be my advice.
I hope he jumps right out of the closet onto my… Um, lap. As Dorothy Parker said, “Scratch an actor, get an actress.” Tom Hardy’s quote, which he had to back peddle on, was, “Of course I’ve had sex with men: I’m an actor.” I doubt Gosling will come out, either, but I can still have sex with him provided his closet is large enough because I’m quite big.
One point, though: studios haven’t sponsored floosie beards since the collapse of the studio system and actors have been free agents not under contract. Must be almost 50 years now. I believe you have to provide your own beard nowadays, and their new name is “a Jada Pinkett.”
Thanks for reading.
Hi, Steve! I don’t get the gay vibe from Gosling but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it? Thanks so much for joining us.
Mr. Tuttle, I know little of fashion but have been around long enough to observe societal patterns. “Carrot pants” has the ring of something that, ten years from now, will inspire people to look at old pictures of themselves and say, “Good God, what was I thinking?”
Out of all the outrageous things I’ve ever worn, it was only That Cape in the 80s I’m embarrassed about. *shudder*