I'm Zoe Over It
TUTTLE MODE
by James Tuttle
Gentle reader,
Everyone’s favorite anorexic superstar stylist is back for season four of Bravo’s Rachel Zoe Project and I don’t know how we made it so long without her stupid exclamations and her passion for fashion. The big news is that Rachel is finally pregnant but, when we’re informed that her parents confiscated her dog because she and her husband Rodger were insufficiently nurturing pet-owners, this doesn’t seem like an ideal situation.
Stephen Bamber: This guy can’t steam either, but Rachel should, like, totally hire him. (Photo: R. Day)
She also says that she cried for two or three weeks when she discovered she was having a boy because she’d always dreamed of dressing up her daughter and sitting her on her knee at the Chanel show. Rodger informs her that the baby is not a doll but she’s not having it. “Yes. He is totally a doll,” she decides without a pause. At least she’s happy now because she’s found really cute tiny boy clothes to dress him in. Like, tiny leather jackets and tiny combat boots. Bananas, right?
Rachel & Rodger: Exclamations can often be mistaken for fashion advice...
The other big change this season is that bowtie-sporting Brad is gone from the mix and Rachel says that he left because he wanted to spend more time at home with his dog and his boyfriend. Within a week, he had his own styling business and was pursuing Rachel’s top clients so now she feels deeply betrayed. It’s the same thing that happened when Taylor left at the beginning of last season and I’m just not sure how much of it is true. Reality producers often use the promise of a spin-off to compensate for the pitifully low pay that peripheral cast members receive for devoting their privacy and weeks of their life. Allegedly. Now we have—drum roll, please—Bravo’s It’s a Brad Brad World and it looks like a total win-win situation because now Brad has his own show and Rachel has Jeremiah, who is totally adorable and completely wrong for the job.
... and good looks can sometimes be a substitute for talent.
You see, Rachel and Rodger interviewed a few people but her ball-busting V.P. Mandana had her friend’s roommate Jeremiah in mind for the job and, because he was a hot gay guy with some good one-liners, he booked it instead of the very qualified, enthusiastic young lady with a ten-page styling résumé. This is television, after all. In the hair department, Jeremiah gives PFC contributor Chris Cramer and me both a run for our damn money but the bitch has never used a steamer before. He wants to be a stylist working for Rachel Zoe and claims to have some styling experience but he doesn’t know how to use a steamer. Okay, let’s just think about this for a second: He’s. Never. Used. A. Steamer. Ever! What the fuck?
Mandana and Jeremiah. Remember Bubble from Ab Fab?
Now, I’m not going to hold this against him, but I suspect he’s just another actor looking for a way to get on television. In the tradition of rigorous research for which we here at Pure Film Creative are known (yeah, right!), I checked out Mr. Brent’s IMDb page and noted that he has a single credit in 2008 as “Blonde (sic) Boy” but that means very little. I’ve personally been at this acting business for years with lots of theatre, indie movies and a few TV shows to my credit and all that turns up on my IMDb is a really bad porn movie from 2001. Don’t bother renting it, by the way. I don’t get residuals.
If you didn’t get a chance to catch the show so far, all you need to know is that:
1. You should wear Givenchy if you’re pregnant in a photo shoot.
2. You should never give too much power to your boyfriend/husband/Rodger.
3. You should always hire the beautiful, unqualified people first.
Oh, and in the second episode, Rachel showed her debut line in New York and everyone loved it and Rodger’s hair was even worse than usual.
Target Missoni tchotchkes are the Cabbage Patch Kids of our adulthood.
As valuable as that knowledge is, it probably wasn’t the best idea to stay up late catching up with RZ and her would-be wacky band of fashion bandits before this week’s episode because the next morning was the highly anticipated launch of Missoni for Target. The 400-piece collection designed by this venerable Italian fashion house contains an overwhelming array of its signature zigzag pattern in many colors as well as a few geometric black and white pieces in the home decor department.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSDWlAZ9kA4&w=420&h=345]
Of course, the patterns are printed rather than painstakingly knitted into the fine fabrics of their own garments but the look is unmistakably Missoni, as long as you stand across the street. This was a highly intelligent move on their part because they will net a huge financial and P.R. benefit through the Target program without competing with their core business, much in the way that your $12 Lagerfeld for H&M top might resemble the Karl Lagerfeld one at $900 but it falls apart the third time you wear it.
I’m not really sure why I was looking forward to this so eagerly because I never give a shit when Lagerfeld or Lanvin does a line for H&M but I wanted to pick up some towels and fun area rugs that I glimpsed when the word was first out about this collaboration. Sensing there might be a bit of a frenzy at the West Hollywood location, I headed down to the Target in the ‘hood about 9:30 and arrived to find, um, nothing. There was not one single sweater, picture frame or plastic plate left; just stunned-looking employees and some ladies talking about what a madhouse it had been. Apparently the Target website crashed, too. Oh, well.
Missoni Fall/Winter 2011
The real Missoni collection this season is something else. It’s a pastel fantasy with men’s wear elements, fabulous long python coats and unexpected proportions with an almost Japanese feel. Some of the looks recalled my favorite long coats over dresses from the Rodarte collection but interpreted in a totally different way and the stupidly enormous trousers will be amazing if anyone is able to pull them off.
Missoni F/W 11 Show:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNZ0SpLA46Y&w=560&h=345]
The show was good fun, too. The music is a mix of Western and Calypso elements that would serve well as a soundtrack to a David Lynch movie and the startling makeup and greasy hair were actually inspired by Juliette Lewis’ character in Natural Born Killers. How’s that for an incredibly random pop culture reference? I wasn’t “gagging” or gasping, “Shut the front door!” as Rachel Zoe might have, but I still thought it was a good time.
And, if you missed out on your Missoni for Target purchases like I did, look on the bright side. Now that it’s turned into such a big deal, we’ll all know those other people bought their shit at Target.
Much love,
xxJames
You were at Target? This might be the first time our storesd have overlapped. I don’t suppose you’ve dug through the used horror DVD section at the Princeton Record Exchange, have you?
Confession: I don’t know what a steamer is. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying your story. plus, the star of my second unpublished novel is called Zoe, and I get pulled in to anything with that name.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! He said Target WEHO. It’s one of the few that are seriously pronounced in French. A steamer is a handheld device used to remove wrinkles from dresses that can’t be ironed, as most quality dresses of the kind Rachel Zoe handles can’t. The joke is that it’s extremely easy to use, rather like spraying Fabreeze until the smell comes out, but for wrinkles. But I’ll let Tuttle explain more.
Yes, I was at Target and it wasn’t the first time. Though I have been in the West Hollywood a few times, I ventured down into the ‘hood this time, thinking they’d have no interest in Missoni down there. I was apparently mistaken. Should I put the Princeton Record Exchange on my to-do list?
Killough is right about the steamer; it’s just a portable thing with a water tank that makes steam to take the wrinkles out of fabric. It’s so easy to use that it’s actually very tedious.
Glad you enjoyed the story!