TUTTLE MODE

by James Tuttle

Killough rang today and I said, “Sorry, I’ll have to call you back.  Holly’s World is on.”

He said, “What the hell is Holly’s World?”

I thought, Bitch, do I have to clue you in to everything?  I know I’m an Oxford educated, polo-playing fashion whore but I do have a foot in the real world.  Who the fuck doesn’t know about Holly’s World?

What came out of my mouth, though, was, “It’s just another reality show with pretty people running around Las Vegas, making deafeningly obvious statements about everything.  You probably wouldn’t like it much.”

On the television screen before me was one of the top ten most successful accomplishments in cosmetic surgery, former Playmate Holly Madison, and her adorable friend, singer Josh or Justin or something that starts with a “J.”  I didn’t really pay much attention to the name because he’s so adorable, though a little too swish for my taste.  He has a wonderful voice, too, and that’s an oddity in reality TV, where every Housewife is ready to raise Earth’s collective consciousness by unleashing a damn dance single.  Did you put “Tardy for the Party” or “Money Can’t Buy You Class” on your iPod?  I sure didn’t.  They’re both auto-tuned messes that you’d have to be drunk or high to download.  They’ve also both racked up big numbers on iTunes.  I’m glad there can be that many people drunker or higher than me on a regular basis, and that society still manages to function.

Back in Holly’s World they are shooting the music video for Josh-or-Justin’s new single, which is actually quite good, and at the big final nightclub scene, a girl named Jade shows up and tries to mingle.  I mean, really!  Jade is the mean one; you can tell because she has very dark hair.  She takes Laura, the pretty one with the botoxed brain, aside and vaguely apologizes for something that went down earlier in the season.  If I followed the series more closely, which I don’t, I’d have probably known of some Machiavellian machinations on Jade’s part that would make me look as shocked as Holly and Laura when Jade sashayed toward them.  Then Josh or Justin mounts the stage and kills it with a “live” performance of his single and then their friend shows up and announces that she got Playmate of the Year.  It’s just a day in the life of an ex-Playmate Vegas showgirl and her friends, I guess.

This Josh-or-Justin kid is a little long in the tooth, as we equestrians say, to be embarking on a music career but he is quite talented and seems to have had a head start in performing.  He may be in his early to mid-20s but in the L.A./O.C./L.V. Trinity of Age Defiance, you never know.  I, myself, enjoy being regularly asked for my ID at my local Trader Joe’s, though I’m a bit north of the legal drinking age.  I don’t really look my age, though.  Luckily, my genetics have won out over years of sun worship and the occasional late-night-into-next-mornings of my earlier days.

I also dress more to suit my personality than to suit my age.  This may come in handy to our male Readers Of a Certain Age who have been inquiring about dressing stylishly while still being age appropriate.  Here are some other guidelines:

1. Wear clothes that fit.Even younger guys have moved on from the super-tight tee shirts and jeans of yesteryear.  And oversized isn’t good, either.  The 80s keep trying to come back but let’s leave that droopy shoulder, baggy look in the past.  You’re not going to fool anyone by covering it up.
   

   If you’re caught looking like this in France, you risk being arrested.

2. Simplify. Logos and crazy prints are really fun for teenagers but, in the words of “AskMen.com,” a tee shirt that says “I wish your girlfriend would stop staring at me” is really creepy on an older guy.  As for Ed Hardy, please don’t.  I’m sure you knew that already.
3. Jackets or blazers can make most things appropriate. A classic jacket over a jeans and button down shirt can take you almost anywhere.  I nearly always wear a jacket, just because it gives me a place to store my wallet, phone and keys without leaving them out on the table.  Women hate it when you set your phone and keys on the table.  That’s my gift to you single non-gay guys, by the way.
   

   A decent jacket covers myriad middle-aged sins, and as a bonus makes smoking more glamorous than it already is.

4. Save the running shoes for the gym. Unless you are a rap star, you should only be using athletic shoes for running, hiking or working out.  This rule goes for every guy, but especially for those out of high school.  Actually, it goes for rap stars, too, so grow the fuck up.
5. Don’t give up.I am the first to admit that Fashion is a conveyor belt of ever-changing, ever-evolving, sometimes-bullshitting choices.  Do not be a slave to it.  Like Lucy at the chocolate factory, it will only get you into trouble.  Instead, rejoice in the amazing number of options you have to express your personal style and choose what works for you.
   

   As sweet and rich as it is, if you let fashion overwhelm you, you might choke.

6. Take care of what’s under the clothes, too.  I saved this one for last because so many people forget about it.  Clothes look good on people who look good.  Eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep at any age and you will bump your personal style up a few notches.  I would rather spend a grand on a trainer and look fabulous in a $500 jacket.  Who am I kidding?  I don’t have any jackets that cheap, but you get my point.

 

But finally, if you’re not Amish and you don’t have a mustache, shave off that stupid beard.

Much love,

xxJ