Gentle reader,

The Cannes Film Festival has finally ended and I don’t know about you but I’m completely clueless about any of the films that were screened other than the bombastic Gatsby adaptation and the critically more successful bio-fiction about Liberace.  I did outfit a few clients for the festival and consider myself extremely fortunate that they were all working more or less behind the scenes, selling films and handling press, rather than navigating the endless red carpet events.  Imagine having a full on Oscars ceremony every day for two solid weeks, then add pouring rain to the mix and you have the red carpet at Cannes this year.

It’s easy to be critical about how everyone looked until you imagine having to deal with that shit yourself.  Coordinating the perfect hair and makeup with the perfect gown day after day for two goddamn weeks?  I’d rather dress a leper for a kindergarten Nativity play.  It’d be more rewarding and you wouldn’t have bitchy people like me bashing your efforts.  That said, let’s talk about the best and worst of the red carpet from Cannes this year anyway.

First of all, there was a whole lot of white, which was great in the case of Nicole Kidman’s sleek Giorgio Armani for the closing gala or model Doutzen Kroes in simple Calvin Klein.  It wasn’t so great in the case of Jessica Chastain’s baggy white Versace mess at the Cleopatra screening.  Even Liz Taylor’s show stopping necklace couldn’t save her.

Pale pinks and neutrals were also much in evidence this year but were overshadowed by some stunning metallics, like Uma Thurman’s silver Atelier Versace and fantastic florals like the Dolce and Gabbana ball gown that Indian actress Sonam Kapoor wore on the second day.

Sky-high thigh slits were a big trend, too, and usually worked pretty well except for Rosario Dawson and Eva Longoria both flashing their coochies on the red carpet steps.  If they wanted to show some skin, I’d have suggested doing it like British model Cara Delevigne in black lace Burberry on the opening night.  Speaking of models, those bitches were everywhere this year.  In addition to Delevigne and Kroes, I have no idea why Leya Kebede, Alessandra Ambrosio and Chanel Iman were all walking the red carpet at a prestigious film festival.  But then, it’s France so who the hell knows.

In my book, Milla Jovovich deserves a shout out for flawlessly executing some daring choices like the barely-there black and midnight blue Prada, the dark blue Armani with the potentially overwhelming skirt and the Chanel Couture gown covered in big beaded flowers.  Zhang Ziyi also made a splash in black and gray printed silk Carolina Herrera and Fan Bing Bing pulled off some great looks, especially the demure pale yellow Elie Saab.

Finally, the WTF moment of this year’s Festival de Cannes goes to Laetitia Casta in the Dior Couture gown that looked like a fifth-grade craft project topped with gold feathered wings.  I just can’t.

Much love,

xxJames

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